Artemis Fowl Sue Of the Day

artemissues @ 2003-09-20T17:14:00

2003-09-20T21:09:31Z

Will do a Sue tonight. Sorry, my classes suck.

Speaking of things that suck...

They're breeding. Oh dear.

artemissues @ 2003-09-16T19:53:00

2003-09-16T23:49:43Z

Have at thee!

Geez, you abandon a journal for just a month and the roaches move in. Typical.

artemissues @ 2003-08-18T23:24:00

2003-08-19T03:21:38Z

I am not dead. Really. I've just been (insert convincing excuse here), that's all.

The first time she had laid eyes on this boy, no, this MAN, Marie's heart literally stopped for a beat. She had heard about him, of course - but now to see him . . . in the flesh! She was in a tricky position.

The Brazilian Government wanted her to spy on him - to sell him out. But looking into his blue-black eyes . . . for a second she saw the little boy he really was.

She was ashamed of herself - she had promised herself that she would never fall in love . . . and here she was, doing just that. Stupid really. Love at first sight. How cliched.

Little did she know that Artemis was thinking just the same thing.

... *sigh*

Title: Capable of Love? No.
Author: Moonlight Phoenix1

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

three neutrino shots to the head

Name: Marie Gerlas.
Species: Human/Super Woman.
Hair: Not described.
Eyes: Not described.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: A necklace that was charmed by a "Bruja" that has the power to make Artemis fall in love with her.

... riiiight.
Does the LEP stand a chance? She was the only girl at the Swiss Academy that wasn't a Butler. She's also only thirteen. Draw your own conclusion.

Origin: The Brazilian government sends her to spy on Artemis. o_O
Connections To Canon: "Maria recognised it as Gnommish, or something - she had learnt all about the creatures that lived under the earth during her Brazilian government spy- training."
... riiiight x 2. Insert your own "but wouldn't Mulder have had a field day?" pondery here.
Special Abilities: She made the necklace mysteriously appear out of thin air.
Traits: She's supposedly a "juvenile hall" sort of girl but is actually quite nice. Aw. How badly written.

Final Thoughts: The writing doesn't suck, but...

Well, you know. Wretched plot, 2D characters, shitting upon of canon. Same old, same old.

Sample:

/N: This is a little something that came to me at about 42 minutes past 10 at night. This isn't even a proper fiction! I just simply HAD to get this off my chest (as you do!) Also, I haven't read the 2nd Artemis Fowl book, so, in MY world, Artemis's dad is still missing, alright?

Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING to do with Artemis Fowl, apart from the plot and Marie Gerlas (the character).

A/N: Oh, just another little note: Arty's mother is on a nice long, two- month holiday because Artemis INSISTED (because he had a plan to rob a high- security bank recently built somewhere near where he lived). Remember - Artemis loves a challenge!

There might be a second chapter if I get enough reviews . . .

Capable of Love?

"Here she is, sir," Butler said, escorting a girl with long black hair tied in a ponytail, mild olive-tanned skin, and dressed in a tight white top and tracksuits into the room. Juliet followed up behind them.

"Ah. So here is the infamous Marie Gerlas - the girl who is one of the best at Swiss Academy, yet isn't a Butler. You will to protect me, is that correct?" Thirteen-year-old Artemis Fowl pleasantly asked the girl in front of him. She had her head hung low.

"Yes sir," she said quietly, still not taking her eyes away from the floor.

Artemis sighed.

"Don't be nervous. Nerves show weakness," he said lazily. The girl nodded and brought her face so Artemis could see her.

They almost gasped at the same time.

The first time she had laid eyes on this boy, no, this MAN, Marie's heart literally stopped for a beat. She had heard about him, of course - but now to see him . . . in the flesh! She was in a tricky position.

The Brazilian Government wanted her to spy on him - to sell him out. But looking into his blue-black eyes . . . for a second she saw the little boy he really was.

She was ashamed of herself - she had promised herself that she would never fall in love . . . and here she was, doing just that. Stupid really. Love at first sight. How clichéd.

Little did she know that Artemis was thinking just the same thing.

No, no, dammit NO! Artemis's brain yelled, though he kept his sardonic mask on. He couldn't . . . he just simply COULDN'T be having these . . . these . . . FEELINGS for a girl he had only met not two minutes ago. But her eyes . . . they were so dark that they were almost black. And they reflected . . . pain? But they were beautiful all the same. No. Wait a second. Artemis thought NOTHING was beautiful. NOTHING, apart from gold.

He couldn't possibly be falling in . . . no, NO, Artemis, don't you DARE go there! His brain commanded. You aren't capable of loving anything, or anyone, apart from your mother. You're just not capable. Are you?

This is just business! She protects me from those nosey government people - I pay her. Simple as that.

"So . . . you are thirteen, is that correct?" Artemis asked, trying to keep his voice neutral and also trying to ignore the fact that right now he was busy focusing on just breathing.

"Y-yes sir," Marie said.

"Tell me a bit about yourself, and your family," Artemis said.

Oh, this was tricky. She had to skirt around the subject of where her father worked.

"Well, I like kickboxing, listening to music, and writi-" Marie quickly stopped herself. She'd blow her cover for sure if she went around telling people that she liked writing poetry!

"Um, writhing my, er . . . hands," she quickly said. Artemis arched an eyebrow.

"Heh heh heh," Marie let out a meek laugh. "I was joking!" she added.

Artemis nodded. "Proceed, Marie," he said, waving a hand.

"My mother is Spanish and she, um . . . she died when I was ten years old," Marie said, eyes falling to the ground. "I don't, um, really like talking about it," she said quietly.

"I understand," Artemis said softly, nodding. Butler and Juliet shared an alarmed glance. Was Artemis actually being understanding?

"Anyway, my father is Italian and he, er . . . he worked as an air steward and he, um . . . he left me when I was twelve," Marie said. It wasn't exactly a lie. Her father HAD left her - with her relatives, who, coincidentally, worked for the Brazilian government, and had got her to work for them too, since she was undoubtedly either a rebel with a hell of an attitude who deserved to go to juvenile hall, or just the exact girl the government were looking for to lure Artemis Fowl into their trap.

"Well, that's, um . . . that's pretty much it, really!" Marie said, giving Artemis a little grin, who, as much as he tried, could not help but grinning back.

artemissues @ 2003-08-09T22:57:00

2003-08-10T02:55:05Z

Pimping: bloodtemptation is going to be home to an Artemis Fowl comic. It looks sexy and dark, so go friend it. Now. Or no candy, you ungrateful hooligans.

Title: Family Ties <--- feel free to scream with terror upon seeing the most overused title of "omg mysterious relation to (canon character)!" here.
Author: chrysgurl

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

two neutrino shots to the head. i could stand most of her character.

Name: Chrysanthemum, aka "Chrys." Despite being named after the author/vice versa, ten points to "chrysgurl" for knowing that all elves are named after a type of plant. Those ten points, however, are immediately taken away for telling the reader that "the name 'Chrys' is pronounced like 'Chris'" because we are not fugging idiots.
Species: Thuper Thpecial Elf.
Hair: "Auburn hair." It is also described as "damp."
Eyes: Not described.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: Her own friend/personal slave, Hannah.
Does the LEP stand a chance? She is part of the LEP. I'm guessing that they'll eventually be her undead army or some rot.

Origin: "The funny thing was, nobody knew who Chrys's real family was, or, if they did, never told her. She had lived with her foster-family almost all her life. She couldn't remember being told that she was a foster-child, she just knew, somehow."

... how the hell did she know? Is her foster-family a bunch of goblins?
Connections To Canon: None that I've seen in this story. Yes, there is a sequel and a prequel, and I shall be damned before I read either. But how's THIS for a connection to canon:

"She followed her leader up to Ops where they found Foaly. He was busy with his computers, and there was a younger centaur walking crestfallen down the hall past them. Now Chrys knew there was something wrong. Foaly never sent his son away unless it was a huge emergency."

FOALY? SON? O_O
Special Abilities: In the first chapter/giant block paragraph, Chrys flies her shuttle perfectly. "She gripped the twin joysticks and her face took on a look of easy confidence. This was the most natural thing in the world. The rest was all a wonderful dream. Chrys landed to find everyone in an awed silence." And as Julius Root says,

"You are going to be an amazing officer, but everyone will underestimate you, seeing as you are a cadet."

*cough*AndaSue*cough*
Traits: She plays "the victim" quite well.

Final Thoughts:
"Who are [my parents]?" she asked after a moment's silence.

"We can't tell you that. They made us swear to let you find out on your own."

How conveeeenient.

Also: they meet up with Artemis Fowl the Third. I ask you. *rolls eyes*

(A/n: Sprites, as you should know, have limited healing powers, and Hanna inherited that from her father. Chrys is empty of magic now, for those with memory problems.)

*cough*Irony*cough*

Sample:

Disclaimer: ^_^ *cracks knuckles loudly*

A/n: IT'S FINALLY HERE! I decided to update quickly for some reason. As I said before, this is the chapter you've been waiting for!

A/n: It has come to my attention that some of you believe that Chrys is something of a Mary Sue. If any of you feel that way, help me fix it. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Oh, and thanks to my reviewers! At least it was more then two this time!

BeWaReOfBlOnDe007: I know. It made you cry last time, too. And I really don't care what color she likes! She needs to be a little more grateful. Or learn to dodge bullets, whichever comes first.

becca: ^_~

Nicole: I just thought of something. I think you three are the only people who read this story, and you're the only one who's flamed me. But we're cool about that. Oh well. If you think of something, let me know.

Ok, on with the story.

All right, any minute now.

Almost there. *Hanna throws pencil at Mere's head* Ok, here we go.

Chapter 8- Mysteries Revealed

~*~

Captain Holly Short ran along behind this strange officer. Now that they were in the light, she could tell that the officer had no nametag, and had his visor down. She wondered if it were possibly a female officer, though she doubted it. The officer's uniform was torn completely away in some places, and the skin beneath it was covered in raw, pink scars. The officer was unusually short and thin.

Holly ran her fingers over her own nametag, which, despite her marriage, still read Captain Short. (She, Root, and Trouble had found that having two officers if the same rank with the same last name was too confusing). For the hundredth time in the past couple of hours she thought of her daughter, the little girl she had left behind so long ago.

As they turned the corner, Holly saw the officer speaking with someone else who she recognized as Commander Root. Private Verbil was also standing nearby, along with a blonde female sprite that she didn't know. The officer and the Commander seemed to be arguing about something. As she watched, Holly suddenly thought of something. She turned around, searching for the Mud Boy.

He was leaning against the wall, breathing hard, but he straightened as Holly walked up to him.

"Captain Short, I presume?" he said in a haughty tone that was identical to the one his father used.

"The one and only," responded Holly. "I'm pretty sure that I know who you are."

"Artemis Fowl the Third, at your service," answered Artemis unnecessarily.

Holly smirked. If Artemis the Third was anything like his father, then it was highly unlikely that he would presume to be anyone's service.

"CAPTAIN SHORT!"

Root stormed up to Holly, a scowl on his red face. Holly stared brazenly back. The atmosphere was tense for a moment. Then, both fairies suddenly grinned. They shook hands warmly and everyone present relaxed. (A/n: I know, I know, but at least they didn't hug!)

While Root and Holly were talking, Hanna came up to Chrys, grabbed her arm, and pulled her behind the pole.

"What, Hanna?" asked Chrys, clearly annoyed.

"What is up with this?" she asked in return. "You haven't told them who you are yet?"

"No."

"Why the D'Arvit not?"

"I just can't, not yet. You wouldn't understand. Your leg seems better, by the way."

"Yeah. You won't believe what Chix did. He just came in here, slung me over his shoulder, and ran around shooting, trying to be the hero. It worked until Root caught him. THAT was not a pretty sight. D'Arvit! You made me get off the subject!"

Chrys wasn't listening. She was standing stock-still, as if waiting for something.

"D'Arvit!" she shouted, and took off at full speed, dragging Hanna behind her. No sooner had she spoken then a full army of goblins surged around the corner.

"Do they ever stop coming?" cried Hanna as she found her feet and began to run as well.

"Nope," said Holly simply. She was up ahead with Root and Joseph, who had Artemis draped over his massive shoulder. (A/n: I'm pretty sure that was the last time that somebody gets thrown over somebody's shoulder.) Artemis himself was not too happy with the arrangements, and was protesting loudly. Holly could sympathize, having been through a very similar ordeal herself, many years ago. She looked around, and saw the strange officer bringing up the rear, every couple of seconds turning around to take out a few of their pursuers.

The now group of eight finally made it out into the dark Arctic night. With all possible speed they dashed back to the terminal. Root shut the door and Joseph blocked it with several large steel barrels and other heavy objects. It would hold a while; long enough, anyway. Holly sat grimly on the ground.

"I. Hate. Opal. Koboi."

"So you know that this is Opal's doing?" asked Root.

"Of course."

"How?"

"She laughed."

That was all the information that Root needed. There was no mistaking Opal Koboi's maniac giggle. There was silence for a few minutes as everyone listened to the goblin army's pathetic attempts at entry into the terminal. Hanna and Root cast anxious glances at Chrys. She was breathing laboriously and leaning against the cold wall. Root looked at Holly and Trouble and realized that everything needed to be out in the open. He stood up and cleared his throat.

"I think that certain introductions that have previously been 'overlooked', deserve to be made."

Chrys's head snapped up immediately. He wouldn't, not yet. Holly rose to her feet.

"Our rescued officers are, of course, Captains Trouble Kelp and Holly Kelp, called Captain Short to minimize confusion. Holly, Trouble, this is Agent Hanna Chlora of the fairy FBI."

"Hey." Hanna couldn't think of anything else to say. She shifted her eyes to Chrys, who was beginning to fidget nervously.

"You both know Private Verbil, I'm sure-"

Chrys was beginning to sweat now. He couldn't do it, he wouldn't-

As Root was introducing Artemis and Joseph, Holly felt a prickle on the back of her neck. Fairy intuition was never wrong, she had learned that the hard way-

"Cadet!" Root finally called. Chrys walked out into the light, shaking with nerves and fatigue. Her helmet was still on. Holly was confused. Cadet? Since when did Commander Beetroot bring cadets on missions?

"Remove your helmet, Cadet."

Chrys hesitated.

"Sir, LEP officers aren't supposed to their headgear aboveground unless-"

"I know what the handbook says. I said take it off."

"Commander please-"

Root gave her a look that left no room for discussion. Chrys gripped the sides of her helmet and pulled slowly.

~*~

Opal Koboi sighed. Goblins were so incompetent. Give them a simple task to do, say something like: "don't let the prisoners get away", and what do they do? They screw it up. She should have learned her lesson after the Arctic Incident, but goblins are stupid and easy to trick into what you want them to do for nothing. She sighed again. Sometimes it was hard being a genius. But she had them now, oh yes.

~*~

A/n: Yay! The secret's out! Like you didn't know it was Holly the whole time. You're probably either laughing or groaning right now, but see, I have this unwritten list of rules for writing. Number 1: I can't out-right give away any secrets in the story until the given time. Number2: I can't kill off the main character, so you don't have to worry about Chrys dying. Ok, you're probably tired of me now, so I will conclude with my customary plea for reviews. MORE REVIEWS! Ttfn!

artemissues @ 2003-08-07T23:54:00

2003-08-08T03:50:38Z

... I'm taller than this Sue. Score!

Title: Artemis and the Girl <--- descriptive.
Author: Goddess Sari

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

four neutrino shots to the head

Name: "I'm Claudette, and no you may not call me "Claudia" or "Claudie." Claudette?
Species: Human... for now...
Hair: "Shoulder length blonde hair."
Eyes: Not mentioned.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: She has her own bodyguard named "Isles," who who looks "the same age as Juliet only he was built more like Domovoi." ARTEMIS DOES NOT KNOW WHAT BUTLER'S FIRST NAME IS AS HIS MIND HAS BEEN WHIPPED. THE THIRD BOOK ENDS AS THUS. ERGO: THE NARRATIVE SHOULD INCLUDE NO REFERENCES TO DOMOVOI.
Does the LEP stand a chance? To quote the author: "Artemis stood there as if he was going to say good bye to Claudette, but thought better of it, he decided to head off to first lesson, and to his dismay this lesson was in the company of Claudette. It's not that he thought Claudette was a snob, he had a feeling that she was equally, if not possibly more intelligent than he was. This annoyed Artemis quite a bit, as he has never had competition, Jon Spiro had been smart, but Artemis knew he had out smarted Mr Spiro, but Claudette, she was something else, she was actually intelligent, and he had to admit, she was pretty as well[.]"

What. The. Fuck.

Origin: The author was feeling wanky.
Connections To Canon: She goes to Artemis's ALL BOYS SCHOOL. CHRIST ALL MIGHTY, WHAT DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET? I am this close to posting an announcement on ff.n about girls going to Arty's school. *sporks them*
Special Abilities: She's suparh smaht!!!!!1 She can also hack, and sing, and dance, and be killed by the angry masses, and...
Traits: She's a bitch to Arty for no reason. Stupid ho.

Final Thoughts: Mary Sue, without a single doubt. "Claudette" is the most Sue-est thing I have ever read. Please, please let this be a parody.

Sample:

After three dismal lessons, all in the company Claudette, Artemis was glad that they had a break in between lessons 3 and 4. Artemis thought he'd make use of this time by writing a letter to his parents

As he entered the common room he saw a group of adolescent girls around none other than Claudtte. She turned around and looked at Artemis with her deep brown eyes, then she said a quick Sayonara to the group and sat down on an armchair, Isles gave Claudette her laptop.

At that point Artemis went up to his dormitory and decided to start typing a letter to his parents and of course to Domovoi and Juliet. He typed in his username and 20 character password, that he swore was correct, but the laptop denied him access. After 5 minutes of trying he finally gained access, he then saw a note posted on his desktop.

"Dear Artemis Fowl the second, I have hacked into your laptop, and I will drain your entire family's various bank accounts if you're not nice to me,

This isn't a hoax I can and I will.

Yours sincerely, Claudette Tuelle."

Artemis closed his laptop down and went back down to the common room, where he saw Claudette sitting in an armchair with her lap top opened. "Claudette, you wouldn't of by any chance hacked into my lap top which I might add is virtually impossible." Inquired Artemis. Claudette looked at him with her most innocent look then she said, "yes I did, and I found that hacking into it was quite easy, and every word written on that note, is true." She got up, pushed Artemis aside and walked off.

Seeing as Artemis already had all his lessons with Claudette he decided to follow her and do a little negotiation, this however was not easy. "Claudette, can't we just compromise with this threat?" Artemis asked. "No, besides it's simple, you be nice, and I won't harm you." She replied. "No, how about you be nice." Artemis half yelled at her back. Isles thought to himself "2 only children in there families and they have no idea how to behave around each other, both spoilt and want their way."

Artemis decided to give up, something he had never done before, and walk silently to class.

Edit: Click the comments an look at insanelonewolf's. I can never breath properly again.

artemissues @ 2003-08-05T23:57:00

2003-08-06T03:54:13Z

Artemis instantly remembered a name. Holly Short. But who is she? He pondered. Maybe an old friend...no. An aunt or cousin.....No, Artemis knew every one of the Fowls and Butlers and he knew that "Short" was not in his family. The word fairy popped into his head for no reason. "Fairy?" Artemis wondered. Fairies are fictitious, they do not exist, thought the fourteen-year Old Irish teenager. But he seemed to remember something about being on a train in the middle of the Arctic Circle. There was blood and exploding ice. And he remembered getting punched in the nose too. Then everything came back to him. Foaly, Mulch, LEP, Root, the B'wa Kell, everything.

This makes perfect sense. Random acts of violence ALWAYS remind me of things. How would I remember to do the laundry otherwise? "Oh, he pinched me once... OhmyGod, I forgot my umbrella!"

Also: Disclaimer;I only own Car'khl, nothing else. How... ominous.

Title: Birth of a Fire Goddess
Author: hollyshort29406 <--- Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson, danger!

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

four neutrino shots to the head

Name: Holly Short. This fandom is determined to butcher all that I love.
Species: Elf/Fire Goddess. Yes, you read that right.
Hair: "Light auburn hair" at first. Then "her hair, which was a brownish red to begin with, had morphed to as red as Juliet's lipstick, minus the fact that her hair now had bright orange streaks." ... wow.
Eyes: "Bright hazel eyes," but then later on a "red-orange color had taken place of what used to be hazel in her eyes. The color was moving around her pupil, like a flame on a candle." Oh, puh-lease.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: Check the origin. That's all that needs to be said.
Does the LEP stand a chance? C'mon, it's Holly. Fire Goddess Holly, even. Never you mind the fact that she's Super Wussy Girl with FIRE!!!!11 now.

Origin: Artemis jumps in front of a "SIG Saurer's" bullet to protect Holly. I'm no gun expert, but wouldn't he have been blown into two pieces if it was fired at close range? Wait, wait, am nit picking. Here, I'll let the story speak for itself:

Holly's arm let off a white glow around it admist the sea of blue sparks. The glow around her arm then turned the red color of fire. She had never had a glow around her arm when she healed anyone before. Holly felt like she was going to faint. Not now! She begged her brain. Out of nowhere, the fiery glow outlined her whole body. "Heal." she said with determination. The tears that she had spilt were gone and in her hazel eyes had also turned the fiery color as well as her hair, which was a brownish red to begin with, had morphed to as red as Juliet's lipstick, minus the fact that her hair now had bright orange streaks. Her LEP jumpsuit repaired itself and a yellow-reddish-orange- color took place of the dull green that she originally wore. Sweat pored down her forehead. Her flamelike glow expanded all over the room. Artemis then woke up. Holly's hand remained on his chest. Her mystic glow covered the room. Holly removed her hand from the boy's bare skin and fainted.

I think I can now safely say that this story is the product of an X-Men fan on drugs. Many, many drugs. She also has an angsty past! Oh NOES!
Connections To Canon: She's Holly. Artemis also wants her sexy short body. Um, ew.
Special Abilities: Fire? God, I don't know. I can't read this.
Traits: Being a scared little girl. Very Holly-ish, yes. Instead of beating the crap out of some pansy goblin, she runs away and screams. IC to the max, d00d.

Final Thoughts: Inconsistency, canon butchering, and an aftertaste not unlike that of death. Just the Sue usual, really.

The characters do things for no reason. Literally. From what I can gather, Holly just decided to visit Artemis out of the blue one day and was actually shocked that he remembered her.

... right then.

Holly sighed in relief. "Oh. Well I came to give you something." she said slyly. Artemis would of raised an eyebrow but couldn't because he got slammed to the ground from a punch in the nose.

You'll all be very happy to know that Artemis then remembered that he had left the oven on.

1 year later

'SHORT! Get in here!" shouted Julius Root. Holly reluctantly walked into Ops. Foaly was there on the computer.

"We have some some bad news." Foaly said seriously.

"I'm listening." said Holly suspiciously.

"The Bw'Kell are back." he said. Holly gasped.

"B-but I thought we got rid of them." No, you got rid of the... oh, forget it.

"Well, a goblin-changeling by the name of Car'khl (Car-Kil) has started the gang up again. And they have stolen a different type of Mud-Man gun this time." Root said solemnly.

I just love the pronunciation guides! Oh yes, I do! ((PRONOUNCED LOW))

All of the above is typical throughout the entire story. Ouch.

With this fic, I had a very hard time choosing that special chapter that screamed "Sample!" in falsetto. It was all just... wow. Wow wow.

Sample:
Long chapter- kind of

Disclaimer- oh, I'm to lazy to write one

"Holly? Holly? Holly....."

Holly Short lay on a bed. In a dorm. Her eyes slowly opened.

"Artemis? Is that you?" she muttered.

The boy raised an eyebrow when he saw that a red-orange color had taken place of what used to be hazel in her eyes. The color was moving around her pupil, like a flame on a candle.

Holly leaned up. She looked around and saw the teenager sitting at the edge of the bed.

"Good your awake. I was kind of worried when I saw your hair." said Artemis.

"My hair?" asked Holly.

"Come look and see for yourself."

He led her to the bathroom where there were two mirrors. Holly looked in one and grinned. Her hair was no longer cropped. It was a couple of inches above her shoulders and curved outward at the ends (Like Paige Davis's from trading spaces) Her hair color was bright red and there were two orange streaks in the front. As for her outfit, it was a black with a fire design in front. However, the most amazing things were her eyes. She loved them.

"Whoa." Holly breathed. "How did this happen"

"Don't know, but do you also realized that you grew 10 inches?" Artemis asked.

He was right. She was only about 2 inches shorter then Artemis now.

"When I woke up you seemed to be glowing." the Irish teenager said as they left the bathroom.

Holly nodded. "That started when I started healing you. As long as I held on to you, I glowed....."

Artemis raised an eyebrow.

"Can I try something?" Holly asked. " Roll up a sleeve."

Artemis did so revealing pale arms.

"Sorry if this hurts..." Holly said

The fairy grabbed the boy's arm. A wind seemed to enter the room. Holly's short hair waved by her ears. A bright glow took over her eyes. She then noticed Artemis was struggling to stand up. Holly immediately let go. The Fowl's breathing was heavy and his face was even paler then before. His skin was very cold.

"Hmm. There just might be something about you." Holly said thoughtfully

artemissues @ 2003-08-05T21:34:00

2003-08-06T01:30:44Z

Contrary to popular belief and personal wishes, I am not dead. I was just... taking a break from the Sues. Yeah, that's it.

*readies tonight's*

artemissues @ 2003-07-31T00:17:00

2003-07-31T04:14:32Z

... oh, Arty, what have they done to you?

Title: Welcome to the Real World
Author: Artemis Fowl the Second. (... Oh sweet Jesus.)

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head.

Name: Artemis Fowl II. How people can Sue-a-tize Artemis, I will never know.
Species: Human/COLLEGE FRAT BOY. RUN AWAY, RUN FAR, FAR AWAY.
Hair: Presumably dark. He also "smooths his hair back."
Eyes: They should be blue.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: An electric blue Porsche, punk rock music, two moronic college friends named David and Matt, a Good Charlotte CD, Holly's room number.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No. They could kill him in a second. He'd be too busy chugging beers to notice.

Origin: ... only God knows.
Connections To Canon: He's taken over Arty's body and is determined to have lewd fun with it.
Special Abilities: ... the ability to be smooth with the ladies?
Traits: He... beams. A lot. Jolly!Arty is frickin' disturbing.

Final Thoughts: I'm not sure which is more disturbing, Artemis as a frat boy or Holly as a sorority girl. ~~All though if Artemis was in "College Boys Gone Wild," I'd buy it.~~ It's gross, horrible OOCness, but it's so bad that it's funny.

... I'm sorry, I just can't hate this OOC. Fake!Artemis sings "Rise and shine, and give god the glory, glory!" Who can't love a Sue like that?

It's also Harry's birthday. I just can't be mean today (12:09? Fuck.).

Sample:

Alrighty! Chapter 5 is here!!

To My Reviewers:

Luna: Um...you do know who this is, right? ^_~

Holly B: Well, I haven't really decided if it's a H/A story yet, but maybe...okie dokies! ^_^

Kir:^_^ a good idea? Yay! lol here's the next chapter!
Chapter 5: A Swimming Pool and Old Friends
Artemis opened his eyes, and closed them immediately: the room was brightly lit by the early morning light. He groaned, and heard a groan in response.
He rolled over, and attempted to open his eyes again. It was David who had "responded" to him. He smiled. "'Morning, Dave."
David groaned again, but managed a simple, "'mornin'" before rolling over and falling off of the bed. Artemis resisted the urge to slap himself in the head.
He finally stood up and looked outside, smiling. It was a nice day out. Looked warm, too. An evil grin spread across his face as he turned to glance at Matt, and David, who were, miraculously, both asleep again. This would be fun.
"Rise and shine, and give god the glory, glory!" he sang at the top of his lungs. The two startled boys woke up, and Matt fell out of bed, leaving Artemis the only one standing. He laughed. "Get up. I'm going exploring. I hear there's a pool in the basement. Anyone coming?" he asked.
"No."
"Mfffff."
'I'd take that as a no' he thought to himself, before grabbing his swimming shorts and heading out of the room and down the stairs.

When he reached the basement, his theory was proved correct. There was a pool, and he'd be the first person in it. He ran to the boys' locker room, and changed quickly, stepping out into the chlorine-scented room that held the pool.
But much to his surprise, he wasn't the only one there. The girls from yesterday were leaning against the edge, talking and laughing. The auburn-haired one looked...familiar.
Ignoring the odd feeling that came when he looked at her, Artemis headed over to the diving board, and climbed the ladder. He ran, getting a good speed up, and did a flawless swan dive. The contact with the cold water woke him up completely. A thought crossed his mind as he came up for air. Was he trying to impress them? No, it couldn't be. There was no way...
The auburn-haired one looked up at him, and he noticed her pointed ears...wait a minute. It wasn't, it couldn't be.
"Artemis?!" Holly asked, her watery hazel eyes widened, but she smiled. "Artemis! It's you!" She swam over to him, and pushed him back under the water. When he finally came up, she laughed. "It really is you!"
He nodded and smiled. "It's been a while, I suppose.."
They talked a while, and she introduced him to Lili and Carmen, her friends. That was when Matt and David decided to join them.
Being a show-off like always, Matt ran to the diving board, and jupmed, doing a cannon ball. As if they weren't wet enough already, he made sure to splash them. David jumped in between Carmen and Lili with a coy smile. "Hey there, ladies," he said smoothly. Lili giggled, and Carmen turned away to watch Matt.
Holly sighed loudly and leaned on Artemis' shoulder. "I missed you, you know," she mumbled, attempting to make it so only Artemis could hear her.
"I missed you, too," he replied gently, reaching over to stroke her hair. "Hey, what room are you in?" He asked with a smile.
"310," she answered shortly.
"I'm in 311. How did that happen?"
"I don't know, but why do you want to know?"
Artemis grinned. "So that I could come say goodnight to you tonight."
"Awww, really? You'd do that for me?" Holly asked sarcastically. Of course he would come say goodnight to her, and if he had his way, he'd stay with her the whole night.
"Yep," he responded with a smile. "Of course I would."

They spent the whole day together: ate at some fancy restaurants, looked around town, and Artemis even took the girls shopping, by request, of course. When finally the night came, they were all ready to sleep. There was no doubt about that.
Artemis followed Holly into her room, and sat on her bed beside her. She laid down, and he leaned over her, touching his nose to hers. Then, he kissed her. He couldnt believe what he was doing. His first kiss...
When he finally pulled away, he smiled and whispered, "Goodnight, Holly."
She looked back at him shyly. "Goodnight, Artemis."
As he left the room, he could have sworn he heard her say, "I love you." But then again, it could have just been his imagination.
Artemis climbed into bed again, and sighed loudly, staring at the ceiling. Yes, this had been most definitely a great day. He rolled over, and soon had drifted into a restful sleep.

The author pisses me off.

2003-07-30T03:17:00Z

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. But think of it as one less Sue you need to tolerate. :D

" I think she is hiding something. And I'm fully determined to find it out. Secret services know better then to not *bleep* with me."

Bleep. Right then. I cannot believe this person wrote "*bleep*". What. The. *bleep*.

Title: Spectre's and Spectra's
Author: Spectra16. Check the Sue's name below, then cry. This person also proclaims her hate for homosexuals in her profile, asking them "what are you people thinking?" She also hates "hippocrates"; I'm not sure if she means "hypocrites" or the Greek father of medicine.

I now feel as if I have the right to hate this person. And I do. Wee!

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head

Name: Spectra16/Alicia Hamilton, I think. 'Think' because the author never mentions it until the narration suddenly switches over to third person and back again for no reason.
Species: Human/Super super special hacker.
Hair: Not mentioned.
Eyes: Not mentioned.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: Not mentioned. But there is the bit where she gets dressed in front of Artemis. (o_O)
Does the LEP stand a chance? With her l337 hacking skillz? Nevar!

Origin: Some hacker group. I can't understand what the hell the story is talking about, so maybe she's really just from a pasty middle-aged computer nerd group.
Connections To Canon: None. She goes shopping with Juliet and Angeline, for what I just do not know. She also goes to Artemis's ALL BOYS SCHOOL. WHY DO YOU AUTHORS KEEP DOING THIS? WHAT PART OF "SAINT BARTLEBY'S SCHOOL FOR YOUNGER GENTLEMEN" DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND?
Special Abilities: She made me believe that the "narrator" was a boy for a very, very long time. I'd been skimming at first and had never seen a single mention of her gender. Oh yes, that's good writing all right.
Traits: Being a psycho bitch. She really is. She also seems to take pleasure in pointing out the differences between her culture and anyone else's as theirs is obviously very faulty.

American = normal in her eyes. So please, please spork her.

Final Thoughts: Artemis is such a pervert in this. He's always touching the Sue, sitting on her bed, doing things that our Arty (the true, non-touch-feely one) would never do nor approve of. Why Artemis has been turned into a sex object I will never know.

I didn't understand half of what was happening. The most I can get is this: Alicia/Spectra16/Psycho Bitch is a hacker that Artemis hired. She hates him for some stupid reason that I can never quite fully grasp, but still wants to work for him. This will be known as Plot Point #1: force a shallow relationship between the Sue and Arty by making them inseparable. The hacker uses her not-so-l337 skillz to hack into some dude's computer. Said dude then, I dunno, kidnaps her? Where does he even kidnap her? I cannot honestly understand any of this drivel. What the hell is happening?

The author also says the reviews given "torched her." I checked them and found two very polite people offering constructive criticism. This girl is a *bleeping* weirdo.

Sample:

Spectre's and Spectra's

by Spectra16, the sixteenth Spec.

Disclaimer: Spectra16 owns nothing but Alicia. She also owns the personality change of Artemis. Some of you disagree with my choice of Mary Sue and my choice of how Artemis deals with his anger but all I can do now is, let it slide. I'm way too lazy to write the story over again. I can, but I have other stories to do, numerous other problems to take care of. I thought that this story would be eaten up by you, the reviewer, but some of you really, really liked it. I'm glad. I didn't like it THAT much but I thought it was okay. Anyway, thanks for your reviews. Even if you did torch me.

A/N: Half of that stuff should've been in Author's Note.

Disclaimer: Stop doing that third person thing. AND STOP BEING HUMBLE! You are not that great.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 3: Guilt Kills

Artemis avoided the just of the question that his father had thrown at him. He wanted to explain his love life that Artemis would've died to have with Alicia. But, that would not be according to the plan. He must not neglect the plan. He was set on it.

His father became a bit suspicious. His son wasn't bragging, (like he had when he was Arty's age) he didn't look happy(well, he never did but love was supposed to be a happy thing), and Artemis referred to "being okay" with Alicia. Maybe they weren't such good friends after all. Maybe they were forced to be together. Maybe . . . no! He couldn't have her doing something illegal! Not after Arty had promised.

Artemis Senior tried to look in his son's eyes to see what was eating him. He decided to get him the way that always worked.

"Is Alicia Hamilton someone that you are using to your advantage?" He asked. Artemis froze.

"Never! Why would you even think that, that is what I am doing?" Artemis looked at his father, perfectly covering up his guilt.

"I don't know, Arty. You seem to really like her. But at the same time, you don't look how someone reacts normally to this," Artemis Senior looked for the blinking. Artemis had blinked at least twenty times since he started to answer. It was a sign of lying. Artemis had also gulped. Another sure sign of his lying.

"You lied to me," Artemis Senior beckoned, "I'm leaving you to deal with this on your own. If you two are doing anything that is against the law, I will personally see that you two are put somewhere where you can learn that obeying the laws is better than anything," Artemis Senior walked away. Artemis realized he was going towards his mother, Juliet, and Alicia. The three looked happy. That was good. Alicia isn't in total fear of public places.

"Have fun?" Artemis Senior asked.

"Yes. But the bill is a bit presumptuous," Angeline pulled out a receipt that was a few feet in length.

Artemis felt awful. His own father hadn't trusted him. Well, he now had a reason not to. He turned away from all the "happiness" and saw someone that he did not recognize right away, coming toward him. He did fit the face after the man was a few yards from him. It was Chris.

Artemis considered the situation in a moment. Butler wasn't there. Juliet's principal is my parents, Alicia's face is covered, therefore leaving me beside myself to run. And that he did. He ran.

Artemis Senior looked at Artemis sprinting down the hall of the main area of the mall. Senior's reaction was to look at who was chasing him. He had no idea who but it wasn't good. Possibly someone from The Interpol. That wasn't good. (It's kinda funny that Senior thinks he's from The Interpol when he's wanted by Interpol. Just thought I'd add that.) Senior yelled for him to stop. He did not (mostly because he did not hear him). Chris started to run after Artemis. Alicia looked to see what was going on and realized that Chris was in the building.

"Chris!" Alicia yelled. He did not turn or answer. She tried again, "Eric!" Chris looked. When he saw her, he completely forgot about Artemis and ran toward her.

"Don't play stupid, Alicia! Who hacked my *bleepin* computer?!" Chris gritted his teeth. Alicia didn't answer. He grabbed the collar of her new shirt but did not pick her up. People looked at them. "Let's take this outside!" He swung her around and actually did lead her outside.

"Now what did you do with my files?!?! THE files?!?!?!"

"Nothing. I had someone that forced me to hack you, so I did. It wasn't my fault that your files are gone. It's . . . his fault," Alicia squinted once Chris raised his fist.

"Who would that be? The jerk I chased away earlier?"

"Yes. That jerk," Alicia answered without any sarcasm whatsoever.

Chris led her back in the building, this time, keeping her hostage with a gun. "What's HIS name?"

"Arty?" She answered. She was almost in tears. She never expected Chris to go this far. Or was it Eric now?

"Hey, ARTY! I GOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! I ALSO HAVE A COUGAR MAGNUM I'D LIKE YOU TO PERSONALLY GET INTRODUCED TO!" Chris yelled, hopefully so that Artemis could hear him.

Artemis considered what his options were. There was none, except the one Chris had offered. Artemis turned the corner and walked with his hands up to Chris.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Artemis Fowl? I'm not surprised but a bit shocked. Why?" Chris asked.

"I needed to know what Defcon was up to," Artemis said, coming closer very slowly.

"Then you didn't find anything because I was fired three year ago," Chris answered.

"True. But you gave me everything I needed to blackmail you into hacking into The Interpol files and deleting everything," Artemis smirked.

"I can't hack into that. I admit. I would've by now, wouldn't I have?" Chris asked, tilting his head to one side.

"I suppose. Please, just let Alicia go," Artemis was afraid he had lost.

"Oh I wouldn't do anything to her unless there was someone that didn't give me a safe ride out of here," Chris backed toward the door. Artemis backed away from him.

"Why Arty? Is she your girlfriend?" Chris mocked.

"No. Nothing like that. Just a pawn in my game- to be rid of you," Artemis said, and then did his famous smirk.

"Really? I don't think so. Alicia would never do that to me," Chris said. Artemis realized that Alicia had known him better than she perceived.

"Why wouldn't she? She hacked your computer for me. Isn't that a little hard to believe?" Artemis asked.

"No. Of course not. To arrest you? Anything is believable. The Spec's are dying to have you in custody," Chris said, not realizing that Artemis didn't know this. Although, he had an inkling. Then, Chris turned the gun on Artemis.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. It may LOOK comprehensible - if one is on drugs - but we are not told what Defcon is, we are not told who Chris is, and quite frankly, I don't want to know.

... no words.

2003-07-27T23:38:52Z

This should be impossible, but it apparently isn't. It takes some real skillz to make a Sue out of Artemis Fowl II not once, but TWICE in the same story.

Title: Artemis goes to Hogwarts
Author: Roxy

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

three neutrino shots to the head. i can't keep doing "x infinity" and i wuv arty too much to hurt him.

Name: Artemis Fowl II. Because of this story, I now think Arty's name is very Sue-ish indeed. Damn the author, damn her to Hell. *weeps*
Species: Human/Fairy. I ask you, WTF??!?!?!!!?!1!1
Hair: ... raven black, according to the books. Oh, my God, stop making Arty being a Sue sound plausible.
Eyes: A dark blue, again according to the books. Eoin, make it stop!
Markings/Clothing: Abnormally pale, according to - say it with me now - the books. Evil. You are the essence of eeeviiil.
Does the LEP stand a chance? NO. *cries and prays for death*

Origin: Not mentioned. But we all know he had an angsty past, so fuck it.
Connections To Canon: The real Artemis Fowl, who this Artemis kidnapped and is currently keeping in his closet.
Special Abilities: His intelligence and magic. He could only start using his magic after his fifteenth birthday, which - surprise! - is happening that very day in whatever the hell universe the author dreamed up. Isn't that lovely! :D*

*kill me.

Traits: Being outrageously OOC. "He had promised himself that for today, he would be a normal boy, or as normal as it was possible for him to be." This may come as a surprise, but ARTEMIS IS QUITE HAPPY NOT BEING A NORMAL BOY. HE DOES NOT LIKE NORMAL BOYS.* I BET HE WISHES THEY WOULD ALL DISAPPEAR FROM EXISTENCE WITH A SNAP OF HIS FINGERS, ALONG WITH ALL THE EVIL, EVIL FANGIRLS THAT PLAGUE HIM.

*except as sex objects. Stop looking at me like that.

Final Thoughts: Why are Foaly, Julius, and Holly constantly referred to as "the People?" Do they suddenly make up Haven's entire population? Were the rest kidnapped by Fake!Artemis too?

Fake!Artemis is an evil, evil bastard.

He is also, and I want you to get all of this, the following: A Muggle born, a Slytherin, hated by Snape for no fucking reason, but even more so than usual, "Artemis entertained a fantasy about what he would like to do to Malfoy, until he got back," and in possession of "Archimedes, [his own] Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua)." Now, I want you all to listen very carefully to this next bit:

Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.

What. The. Fuck. Artemis is not only his own fandom's Mary Sue, he's Harry Potter's as well. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS.

I... no words. No words. Click the cut below to view the scene in all its debatable splendor.

Sample:

Disclaimer; I do not own these character’s. Except Diana Hunting. They belong to Eoin Colfer or J.K. Rowling. I do not own the setting. That belongs to J.K. Rowling. I do however own the mythical creature, Mesitar Acumen mentioned in this chapter and perhaps other chapters. If anyone wishes to know why it is called that, they are welcome to email me. I also own the plot. Thank you to every one who has reviewed me. This chapter is set a month after Mulch and Artemis break into the mining store.
A quick summary; Artemis has just taken Malfoy for a quick flying lesson. This has practically guaranteed Draco as a enemy for Artemis because he hates to be shown up. Mulch has successfully stolen over 7.8 million dollars of precious jewels and stones with Artemis’s help. The police are now looking for them, but have no idea who’s behind it, or even where to find them. He has sent a few choice tit-bits over with Archimedes, Artemis’s Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua) to Hogwarts to help keep Artemis‘s moral up. Enough with the summary, on with the chapter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Artemis drummed his finger’s in a bored manner. He was good at Potions. There was no doubt about it. After all, it was just a slightly more complicated form of chemistry when you got down to the basics. It was more than possible that had it not been for the teacher being out to get him, it would have been his favourite class. Snape choose that minute to enter the classroom, carrying what looked like advanced materials for their spells. He smiled coldly at the group, all of whom were looking decidedly uncomfortable. “I’ve decided that most of you are sufficiently advanced to attempt one of the complicated spells to change a person’s shape. It works on the same basis as an Animagi spell. Therefore, whatever you become when you drink this potion, you will also become should you learn how to master the spell. Needless to say, this spell will not work if you do it incorrectly or if you are not a human. Since we are all human, the only thing most of you will need to worry about if getting it wrong. This potion will be worth a quarter of all your marks and you will be trying it out on yourselves, so I strongly suggest that you get it right" More than one disbelieving look was passed around the classroom. Snape couldn’t be serious could he? It was soon obvious that he was deadly serious as he handed out the required items, waved his wand lazily at the board and writing appeared. Artemis glowered at Snape. He knew perfectly well that this was a lesson for being of fairy blood. He would have to do his best, and plot a way to get back at this imbecile who would humiliate him in front of inferiors. He deftly measured out the required items and placed them in his cauldron. There would probably not be any more to this part of the story, if Malfoy, deciding to show Fowl up in front of everybody, had not dumped a very small quantity of powered unicorns hair in Fowl’s cauldron. Satisfied that it wasn’t enough to kill him (he‘s not that mean), just to stop him from changing, he worked on his own potion. Ten minutes later, Snape told everyone to drink their potions and they would see the results. Artemis glanced at his potion. He knew it wouldn’t work. Was there even a point of drinking it? Yes. He couldn’t show he was different in front of everybody else. Shuddering slightly at the thought of blowing his cover, Artemis drank the potion down. It tasted different to what he would have expected. But then, who knew what to expect? Malfoy managed to control his glee. There was no way Fowl was changing shape. He gladly drank his own potion down.
Snape smiled thinly at every one. “It appears that only a few paid attention to what I was saying. Miss Granger, and Mr Malfoy. Take 10 points for Slytherin, Malfoy” Nobody bothered to point out that this wasn’t fair. They knew it would only result in points being removed from their house. Snape turned to Fowl, delighted to have an opportunity to gloat. Before he could open his mouth though, Fowl fell to the floor. Everyone looked on in surprise as Snape moved forward, presumably to help Fowl up. Suddenly, without any warning, Fowl screeched, raising his head and continued to screech in pure, undiluted agony. Feathers burst out of his face to the complete amazement of everyone. Fur burst out of the skin below his face and everyone watched as huge wings unfolded themselves from his shoulder blades. His entire face lengthened and narrowed, resembling a muzzle, if it hadn’t been for the cruel hook beak jutting out from below the shiny black nose.
Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.
Everyone held their breath, as Fowl regained his usual stony composure. He slowly looked around through the eyes of his new shape. Harry very carefully leaned over to Hermione who had changed back, and, without taking his eyes off Fowl, muttered “what is it, do you know?” Hermione was looking decidedly worried, “I’ve read about it, but they’re supposed to be extinct. Forget that, they’re not supposed to exist"
“Hang on,” Ron butted in, “how can Fowl become something if it doesn’t exist?” Hermione shrugged helplessly,
“That‘s not the worst part” Harry never got a chance to ask her what she meant, because Fowl opened up the great wings by his side, reared up so his head was hitting the ceiling, and roared, showing off far too many teeth for anybody’s liking. “Fowl,” snapped Snape, “Stop that at once or I’ll will give you a detention!” The great beast dropped to the ground and looked at him. Then the words, WHY SHOULD I LISTENING TO YOU? presented themselves to Harry’s brain. His ears were swearing that they hadn’t heard anything. Harry looked around to see who else had experienced it.. By the looks of things, everybody had heard it. Just, not with their ears. Snape glared at the creature, “you will listen to me Fowl, or else!” The creature glared back. It was considerably more effective on an owl/wolf-like face. I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS. The huge Mesitar arched it’s neck, showing off powerful muscles, before stalking towards the door. Snape pulled out his wand, “Stupefy!” he cried aiming for the creature’s back. The spell hit, right on target. Snape’s triumphant grin faded as the creature turned back, indignation alight in it’s fiery eyes. THAT WAS A VERY FOOLISH THING YOU JUST DID. MIGHTY ONES ARE RESISTANT TO MAGIC. MESITAR ACUMMMEEEENNNNNNN. [no words] Faster than Harry would have thought possible for something so big, the ‘mighty one’ rushed Professor Snape, yelling it‘s war cry. It probably would have done a lot of damage if Fowl’s associate, the big man called Butler hadn’t stepped between the two. Every was surprised at what happened. The Mesitar gave a slight yelp and tried to stop, opening the huge owl wings as windbreaks to slow it down. It managed it just before it hit Butler. Panting slightly, Black-Fang demanded that Butler get out of it’s way. GET OUT OF MY WAY! The giant manservant shook he’s head. Black-Fang screeched and made as if to strike Butler down with it’s claws. Butler didn’t even flinch as the claws stopped a bare centimetre from his eyes. Black-Fang turned his head from side to side, looking at him from one eye then the other. He extended his powerful right wing, and send it slashing through the air, aiming straight for Butler’s unprotected neck.

Randomly, another direct quote:

End of Chapter 3
I would really appreciate feed back on this stories. Thanks.
End of Chapter 4

Yes. Well then.

Edit: Because I am a masochist, here is some fanart I did for this story. Yes, I know my drawin' skillz sux0r.

MOTHER OF FUCK KILL IT.

2003-07-26T21:32:23Z

This one is worse than yesterday's and that is saying something.

Title: ARTEMIS AND THE INCCIDENT IN AMERICA <--- caps lock, anyone?
Author: Elizabeth Ratz

Punishment for the Mary Sue?
x infinity again
there just aren't enough. this is beyond comprehension.

Name: Victoria, but there are a lot more. Excluding Butler and Artemis, everyone is someone that the author knows and is friends with, aka the "AznX Krew." They are all city-wise asshats, by the by.
Species: Human/HORRIBLE ATROCIOUS GOD-AWFUL SELF-INSERT MARY SUE.
Hair: "Short curly brown."
Eyes: "Magnificent brown eyes with brown eyeshadow eyeliner and lipgloss." You put lipgloss on eyes now? My my. I am behind on the times.
Markings/Clothing: Artemis thinks she's "a really cute girl." Right then, Arty.
Does the LEP stand a chance? I... I can't read anymore to possibly know. It hurts. A lot.

Origin: "BUFFALO NEW YORK , INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL 45." Victoria is a stereotypical city girl with her "girls" and "Eminem" guys. I hate her. Kill, KILL.
Connections To Canon: None, thank God.
Special Abilities: Being spectacularly good at guessing things wrongly. "Hey what's your name?? " asked the girl. "Artemis Fowl" he replied weakly. "Artemis? Is that Irish?" ... "Yea actually it is Irish, I just transferred from Ireland." I'm sorry, but last time I checked Artemis was a GREEK NAME.
Traits: ... I honestly can't tell. I can't pick out anything that isn't 2D about this "character." Hell, I don't think she's even 2D, but rather 1D. Can that even exist?

Final Thoughts: Mother of God, kill it. Just kill it. Fics like this shouldn't exist. The author felt like wanking and this was the result. Please, people, when you write something make it a plausible idea. Just because you want something to happen doesn't mean that it can work.

I can't form any mean and nasty words now. I just really can't.

Sample:

ARTEMIS GOES TO THE STATE [wait, I thought the title was ARTEMIS AND THE INCCIDENT IN AMERICA?]

Elizabeth Ratz: Hey what I wanted to do was Have Artemis go to the sates to my school and meet my friends. SO I hope you like it!!!!!

I HAVE to do this DISCLAIMER: **in a mono tone*** I do not own and/or affiliate with Artemis Fowl.

CHAPTER 1:

PACKING ~~~~~~~~~~~ Artemis was in a pretty bad mood. For one thing he hated the place he was going, and two he had to travel over 3,500,000 miles to his destination from Ireland to Buffalo New York. As he watched Juliet pack his clothes and Butler his mother's and his and Juliet's , he wondered. Why does he have to live in the States for a year???? In an apartment for crying aloud! Without his computer and connection to " The People". " Mother...why again do we have to go there??" His mother answered him with a stern face. " You are going to study there and meet new people." He sighed cannot argue with that. Butler brushed past him and bent down low to tell him in a low whisper, "It's alrite because I've been there too and I'll show around this time." ~~~~~~~~~~LEPRECON HEADQUARTERS- ROOT'S OFFICE~~~~~~~ "Holly!" called Root . "C'mere , I have a new assignment for you." " " What now ? Get you a cup of coffee?" " Don't be smart missy , or you'll be right back on traffic duty" Holly groaned she got enough headaches here. " What do you need???" Root's face contorted and got real serious " I need you to go the United States oF America in Buffalo New York , ( "Why ?" interupted Holly) because you need to keep an eye on Fowl. Word has it that he is movin there for a year and you know what has been going down in the states." He eyed her and Holly's eyes got real wide " Yessir" . Holly made her way down to the chutes and flashed her badge to get through and before you know it she was spitting threats to Foaly and on her way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~BUFFALO NEW YORK , INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL 45~~~~ Victoria was making her way through the hustle and bustle of the school. It was atleast 8o'clock and she hadn't eaten breakfast. She never did. She got to her locker and she felt a sharp tug at her hair. "OW!!! " She wheeled around and saw he best friend at school ....Thuong Ho. ( note it's pronounced Tong . SHe's viet) " Hey bitch" said Thuong " Hey bitch". They always played these games. Victoria's homeroom teacher walked out of the room and into the busy hall. "What's going on girls?" "nuthing Miss Mattina" "Then Thuong get back to your class." Next thing Victoria knew the biggest Eminem wannabe blonde hair and all walked in ...His name was Brandon. " Wassup Brandon?" He eyed her and said nuthin. He turned around to see his firends Carlos , Alphonso , Ramone, and David . He lef t with them and Victoria walked into her homeroom and saw all of the AznX Krew . Baggy jeans and bandanas."Hey Vic-tori - uh" said Kevin in a weird ass voice. He liked to make fun of her name for some weird ass reason. "Guess what" said Susan, "What ?" repiled Victoria. "We have a new student" "Who?!?" "Look behind you". Victoria wheeled around and saw a dark haired boy with a very pale complexion sitting all by himself. " He looks kinda cute." said Victoria "CUTE?!?!?" said lound mouthed Souna who can hear everything and is noesy . " Man I met this cuuuuuttttee pie boy named Mohamed yesterday he asked me out , and I said yea." "Mohamed Abdullah??" "NO! he's puterican". ~~~~~~~~~~~SCIENCE CLASS PICKING LAB GROUPS~~~~~~~~~~ Artemis looked around for a lab group none of them seemed good , but then he saw a really cute girl. Dr. Stevenson told him to sit in that girl's group.....it was all girls. He slumped over there and said "the teacher says I have to work with you ." The girls all said in their own way "ok , yea whatever" He eyed the girl diagonally across form him ....it was the same girl. She had short curly brown hair magnificent brown eyes with brown eyeshadow eyeliner and lipgloss. "Hey what's your name?? " asked the girl. "Artemis Fowl" he replied weakly. "Artemis? Is that Irish? by the way my name is Victoria." "Yea actually it is Irish, I just transferred from Ireland." " IRELAND????!?!" excalimed the girls. "Yea " "why did you move????? - My mom made me". "Wow .....Artemis......." said Victoria and she eyed his paper he was all done she was stil on the 8th question out of 12, " Can you help me after school?........Artemis went pale but answered "yea why not??"

Kill it.

2003-07-25T21:57:37Z

This is so fucked up that it makes me want to maim, kill, and then eat the world's fangirls - all of them - with a helluva lot of ketchup.

Title:Duelers
Author: Haily-Comet She writes Hamtaro love stories. Enough said.
Summary: Later on in the story, she apologizes for offending the Chinese: Hey! Whassup? More AF writing! I got this ALSO from an anime series! I think it's a cool story! Please, just R+R and if you flame me you are a coward!! I like my characters OOC so DEAL WITH IT!!!

Punishment for the Mary Sue?
x infinity
sweet jesus, it burns.

Name: There are several, but the one that, ahem, "deserves" the most attention is "Sakura Duelist/Yamato/Cherry Blossom." Artemis mistakes her for being Chinese. Every moronic fangirl in existence knows that "Sakura" is Japanese, but the smartest boy in Ireland does not. Mm. Nonsensical nonsense.

There is also the dark-skinned Mexican "Rosio," the typically French "Francesca," and Tomo, who, with his "black hair and chocolate colored eyes," was quickly made to be Sakura's whipped bitch. Sakura is the only Sue of the story worthy enough to have a last name, apparently. Please note that I think these are what their names are. The English is so butchered in this paragraph that I don't know who is who in this garbled mess.
Species: Human/Yugi fangirl. Please, God, kill it.
Hair: Sakura has "black hair." Descriptive.
Eyes: "Full of mischief."
Possessions: The "Duel Cube," which magically creates a duel arena.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No. Sakura built her "Duel Cube" with fairy technology, so it's safe to say that she has evil mind powers that can destroy them.

Origin: As Sakura explains, "We are all foreign and live here in Ireland. We have no parents, for they were either killed, or we were abused. I was abused, unfortunately. We live in a small house and keep the house with money we get for winning the game.”

Sweet merciful God.
Connections To Canon: They know Holly and Foaly, who helped them build the "Duel Cube." Goodness me, I never knew Holly was a Yugi fan. Tell me, does Foaly whack off to Ryou?
Special Abilities: Sakura has the beautiful ability to make me hate her within three milliseconds of reading her name. She can also write Artemis mysterious fangirly emails that he actually wants to read, a great feat indeed.
Traits: Amazo-bitch, I'm guessing. But the writing quality is so poor that I can't even determine what type of personality she has.

Final Thoughts: Words fail me. This unrivaled shit leaves me unable to make any sort of witty commentary. I'm not sure what's worse, the author crossing over Artemis Fowl with Yu-Gi-Oh or the horrible unedited writing that makes me want to kill myself. "Hailey-Comet" even manages to mangle AOL's trademark "You've got mail," something that just astounds me.

I have nothing else to say. The sample can explain its own disturbing self.

Sample: Haily’s back!! Back again!! Haily’s back!! Tell a friend!! Hey, Haily here! I’m doing another Artemis Fowl fic!! But not like my last one! This one is better! Anyway let’s begin! There’s a lil’ bit of Yu-Gi-Oh! in here, but no actual characters!

Milkes: YEEEHAA!

Haily: Also, the THIRD ARTEMIS FOWL BOOK IS OUT!! HOORAY!

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, or Yu-Gi-Oh

Duel Cube

Artemis sat in a swivel chair, happy as can be. He had managed to get his C Cube back and the People were saved. Not only that, but he still had their technology.

He typed in the eternity code and scrolled through his files.

“A few documentary files, a few lecture files…hm, must post that file online…” Artemis muttered.

He logged onto the internet and checked the news. Another stock market down and the like.

“You’ve go mail,” chimed the annoying voice. Artemis clicked on his mail button and waited for it to load.

The e-mail address that popped up was foreign. It read Duelers@sakura.com.

“Never seen this before,” Artemis muttered and clicked on the address. The letter read:

Dear Mr. Fowl

I would like to meet you. I have heard of your, how you say, successes. I have something that you might like. Please e-mail me back with a response. Do not worry about coming to me, I will come to you.

Sincerely,

Sakura Duelist

Artemis thought over the possibilities. Perhaps he should tell Butler. Then again, this didn’t seem like a threat. But you never know. And how did these people know about his robberies and such?

Weighed down with possibilities, Artemis read the letter once more. It said there was something he might like.

Artemis hesitantly clicked on the “reply” button and began to type.

Dear Miss Duelist.,

I approve of your coming, though I would like to know when. Whatever it is you have for me, I am eager. I await your arrival.

-Artemis Fowl

Drumming his fingers on his desktop, Artemis thought of what this could be. And what an odd name, Sakura, it sounded Chinese. And Duelist, what a strange last name; perhaps it was a pen name.

Sakura clasped her hands together. “Showtime!” she muttered eagerly and took out small, velvet wrapped box.

“Let’s see what this ‘Artemis Fowl,’ can do, hm, Francesca?” she asked.

“Oui! Zis shall be interesting!”

Sakura chuckled; this was going to be fun.

Artemis received another e-mail from this mysterious girl. “Who are these people?” he asked himself. He had told Butler, who surprisingly, wasn’t angry.

“I’ve heard of Duelists before, but don’t get yourself into trouble! I don’t want to end up dead again!” he had said.

Artemis flinched at the thought. A wretched memory, no doubt.

Two days later May 14, 2005, there was a knock on the door.

“That must be her!” exclaimed Artemis heading over to the door with Butler.

“Good evening,” the girl in the door said. “You must be Master Fowl, hm?”

Artemis nodded stuck out his hand. He was ever so eager to see what this girl had.

The girl simply nodded and let herself in. She turned to Artemis. “I need a big, open room, okay?” she asked.

“I’ve got plenty!” Artemis replied and showed her into a large room.

“Now, what is it that you’ve got for me?”
The girl’s eyes were full of mischief. She tossed back her black hair and smiled.

“At least let me properly introduce myself. I’m Sakura Yamato.”

“As you know, I’m Artemis Fowl. Nihao. I believe that’s how they say ‘hello’ in Chinese correct. You might know?” (Is that the way to say hi in Chinese? Someone please tell me and if I offended anyone I’m SOOOO SORRY!!)

Sakura’s eyes flared. “For you information, I am not Chinese! I was born and raised for most of my childhood in Tokyo, Japan! For one so smart, you sure have a small education!”

BIG mistake! Artemis thought. He could have sworn he had read somewhere that “Sakura” was a Chinese name.

Artemis sneered. “Yes, well, I’m sorry, but let’s move on. Please show me this…thing.”

Sakura was smirking now. “I present to you, the Duel Cube!” she exclaimed with pride and whipped out a small, metallic cube.

Artemis gaped. “My C Cube! How did you get your hands on it?” he asked her furiously.

The girl looked at him innocently, but a smirk lingered on her lips. “This is not yours, but I have heard of your ‘deal’ with Jon Spiro. Not to bright. But let me give you proof that this isn’t your C Cube.”

Sakura leafed through a sheaf of papers and pulled out a piece of cream-colored paper. She handed it to Artemis and he scanned down it. He stopped at a date. On it was “Copyright 2003.”

“This is impossible! You could never-” Artemis exclaimed.

“Believe it!”

Artemis took out his own C Cube, logging onto the internet. He hacked into a small store and took out ten percent of the money. The whole procedure took less than five seconds.

“Can you do that?” he asked triumphantly.

Sakura shook her head. “No, but let me show you this.”

She stuck her hand inside the velvet box and pulled out a gold card. She placed it in the middle of the floor and whispered “board.”

Like a spider web, a blue and orange checkered board spread out all over the floor. Where Artemis and Sakura were sitting, it stopped. Sakura pulled out another Duel Cube and tossed it to Artemis (he missed it by THIS much) and also handed him a small booklet. She then held up two decks of cards.

“These are Duel Monsters. These are what you fight with. You place it on the small indent on the Duel Cube and then select where you want it to go. You have a leader, which is probably the most powerful, and once the other person destroys your leader or all your life points are gone, you lose. They can come like this,” Sakura held up a card with a cute angel on it. “To this.” She then held up a menacing looking dragon.

“Now, observe.”

Sakura placed down the angel card on her Duel Cube and pressed some buttons. She then hit “enter.”

The card began to glow and suddenly, a little, round, angel, the same as the one on the card, popped out.

Sakura handed over the other deck to Artemis. He plucked a card and placed it in the Duel Cube.

“Now, you see those arrows? They are the directions for your card. Just press the up button,” she explained.

Doing as he was told, Artemis pressed the up button. He then hit the enter button and this card began to glow as well. Out popped the menacing looking dragon.

“This is…good,” Artemis said stubbornly.

“There’s more.”

Artemis gave her his attention now.

“I have a group of friends. We are all foreign and live here in Ireland. We have no parents, for they were either killed, or we were abused. I was abused, unfortunately. We live in a small house and keep the house with money we get for winning the game.”

Glancing around the room, Artemis glared at her.

“And…”

“Come with me!”

Artemis was quite hesitant. “I must ask Butler.”

Bowing, Sakura let him out of the room. “Just the boy we were looking for!” she muttered to herself quietly and giggled. Sakura knew what he had done to the fairies. She had made this Duel Cube with some fairy technology. Artemis took the technology so for granted, Sakura had thought, that he must be taught a lesson. Again, she giggled.

Artemis Fowl was going down!

“Darn it, Francesca! You beat me again!” Tomo yelled and began to swear.

The girl, who apparently was probably Francesca Artemis guessed, was giggling.

“Stop your cussin’!” shouted Sakura, leading Artemis into the small house.

A boy with black hair and chocolate colored eyes poked his head out from another room.

“Cherry blossom! You’re back!” he exclaimed, kissing the back of her hand.
“What’s up?” asked a girl with dark skin and a Mexican accent.

“Bonjour!” said Francesca.

“Nothin’ much! This is Fowl, the boy with the fairy technology,” Sakura replied, tugging in a reluctant Artemis.

Tomo spied Artemis, standing a bit too close to his girlfriend.

“So, you’ve taught him about the Duel Monsters?” asked the Mexican girl.

“Yes, Rosio, everything is set.”

Artemis looked around the room. It was quite small with two other rooms branching off. A sofa was shoved into a corner and a few chairs spotted the room.

“So, boy, we’ve heard of you and the fairies. That’s something! We know Holly and Foaly. In fact,” Tomo said, holding up a Duel Cube “they helped up build these. Anyway, you want something to eat?”

Artemis pursed his lips. “Sure, I suppose,” he said and followed Tomo into the room on the right.

“Listen, boy,” Tomo whispered once they were in the kitchen. “you stay away from Sakura! I know you boy! You that genius boy! You stay away, got it?!”

Artemis smirked. “Yes, whatever you say,” he said and left from the kitchen without anything.

The three girls gulped. Tomo didn’t seem that happy, but what could go wrong between him and Artemis?

How did you like it? Is it good? Do you think I should make it Sakura and Artemis or not? Just R+R please!! This is one of my first AF fics! Thanks oodles!

Ciao, Haily</i>

artemissues @ 2003-07-24T21:49:00

2003-07-25T01:50:03Z

I was thinking of introducing this journal to mainstream Artemis Fowl groups, but since the Fowl fandom is rather... cozy, Sue authors would be able to see this journal, thus spamming it with "She's not a Mary Sue because blah blah blah."

I'm sort of torn. I think it'd be a good idea, because fans could laugh and learn more about their own characterizations, but the Sue authors would freak.

But I think I should. Suggestions/comments?

It burns, mummy.

2003-07-25T00:11:44Z

Title: Artemis Fowl and the Missing Fairy File
Author: SleepyBunny

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head. i'd say more, but i don't want to ruin my bandwidth.

Name: Whitney Devou or something. Her last name is only mentioned in the summary and in a brief email to her friend.
Species: Human.
Hair: "Wavy blonde hair that looked darker on the top." Her highlights are fading, I guess.
Eyes: "Swampy green eyes." Which of course will make you think of Wild Thing.
Markings/Clothing: Not mentioned, but we are told that she forgot her underwear. We are also told that she went out to buy them, with BUTLER.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No. She'd tell them stupid jokes about underwear that don't make any sense and they'd run off, very, very afraid of her.

Origin: She's Artemis's Cousin Kate’s best friend’s daughter who's coming to Ireland for the year. One the count of three, everyone laugh heartily.
Connections To Canon: ... she's Artemis's Cousin Kate's best friend's daughter. Weren't you reading?
Special Abilities: The power to talk about underwear in strange situations and get away with kicking Artemis's shins right underneath Butler's nose. Also, Juliet seems to have the power to magically collect dust now. One minute it's there, another it's gone...
Traits: She's annoying, and Artemis hates her for it. I love you, Arty.

And she's an ass. She really, really is.

Final Thoughts: This story has to be seen to be believed. The paragraph breaks are miles apart, grammar and spelling are BUTCHERED, and the story makes no licking of goddamn sense. "Your Cousin Kate's best friend's daughter?" What the hell is that?

Artemis hates her (good boy, have a boi biscuit), but will undoubtedly fall in love with her. Why? Because Angeline Fowl says so, dammit.

Sample:

I do not own Artemis Fowl and I do not own anything that is familiar in the story. But I do own Kate, and Kate’s best friend and Whitney…
This is my very first Artemis Fowl fanfic and I’m just testing this out so please don’t flame me too badly…sorry!!! I’ve tried to get all of the facts right, but if I’m missing anything please fell free to tell me. Enjoy!!!
P.S Artemis Fowl is 17…just so ya know…=>)
~~~***~~~
It was the 7th of June, on a beautiful Monday morning and Artemis Fowl was eating breakfast with his parents. Mrs. Fowl kept on smiling and looking at Artemis, while he glared at her.
“Stop it Arty,” Mrs. Fowl smiled at him. “I just got a call last night after you went to bed that your Cousin Kate’s best friend’s daughter is coming to Ireland for a year!”
Artemis looked at his mother and then thought, this has to be one of her stupid matchmaking schemes. “Oh, really,”
“The girl is just around your age! Isn’t that great?”
Yep, definitely matchmaking. “Why of course mother,” Artemis replied with sarcasm is his voice. He wasn’t in a good mood.
“Her name’s Whitney,” And then Mrs. Fowl drowned on and on about this stupid girl.
Artemis was thinking about his file on his computer labeled LEPrechaun. It contained all necessary information about fairies, trolls and dwarfs and many other creatures that live under our world.
Just last year had he yet again discovered the fairies and learned that his memory had been whipped, so he asked Foaly to give him all of the information. But only for a price-never to meddle into fairy business unless asked. So he had agreed.
“Are you listening to your mother?” Mr. Fowl asked him.
“Yes of course,”
“So also you must remember not to make Whitney feel uncomfortable because she hasn’t been any where except home. And we need to make her feel welcome here too.” Mrs. Fowl added.
“Of course,”
“And she’s coming tomorrow!”
“Yes, yes…” Artemis quickly excused him self and went to find Butler in the kitchen drinking a glass of milk.
“Good Morning Artemis,” Butler greeted him.
“Good morning,”
Then he and Butler went into business in the computer room.
~~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~THE NEXT DAY~~~***~~~***~~~***
Around 4 pm Artemis, Butler and Juliet were at the airport waiting for Whitney to arrive.
“Look, I think that’s Whitney!” Juliet looked over and pointed at a girl who had wavy blonde hair that looked darker on the top. And from where they were standing, she had swampy green eyes.
“I’ll go ask,” Butler went over and chatted with the girl and she followed him.
~~~FROM WHITNEY’S POV FROM NOW ON~~~~
As we walked toward a girl and a boy, mind you the boy just glared and said let’s go. But Juliet seems really nice.
In the car we talked about all kinds of stuff.
“So where are you from Whitney?” Juliet asked me.
“I’m from Florida,” I replied.
Just then Artemis glared at me.
So I decided to be such as nice to him as he was to me. “Are you undies showing?”
“No,” He said.
“Would you like them to?” I snapped.
Juliet covered her mouth and looked like she was choking.
“No,” Artemis just looked out the window.
“That-was-so-funny!” She hiccoughed.
“Thanks, I think he’s a bit over spoiled…” I whispered into her ear. Juliet nodded. “So I thought that maybe we could pull pranks on him…” Juliet again nodded but this time also smiled.
“We’re here,” Butler called over to me and Juliet.
“Okay,” I said and then looked out the window. It was a very cool looking house, I had to admit. “Cool house,”
“Thank you,” Artemis just glared at me again.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked innocently.
“No, but you are diabolic,” He replied.
I shot Juliet a questioning look but she shrugged.
Once we were inside the manor, Mrs. Fowl came over and squished me into a hug. “Wonderful of you to come Whitney!”
“Uh…thank you Mrs. Fowl,” I was trying my best to breath.
“Show her to the room that Artemis chose,” Mrs. Fowl ordered Juliet.
“Of course,” Juliet smiled. “Come on!”
So I followed her to the highest floor of this manor and she opened the door. The room it self was very nice, it had wooden floor and the bed was placed into a corner and there was a TV and table very near it.
“Don’t mind Artemis’ taste of style,” Juliet said sadly.
“I don’t mind it, it’ s just…” Then I sneezed. “Dust,”
“Don’t worry; I’ll get rid of it.” So she did. Then I was all alone in this weird room and soon discovered that there was a bathroom right outside my door. Juliet had warned me not to undress in my room because of Artemis’ security cameras placed all over the manor.
I sat on my bed and took out my wireless laptop and started typing emails to my friends.
To: “Courtney Mancher” <lalamanchula45@mancher.com>, “Anthony Demain” <anthony888777@aol.com>, “Sara Gaze” <crystalball59@yahoo.uk.com>
From: “Whitney Devou” <evilangel73@hotmail.com>
Subject: Evil Artemis Fowl…
Hello everyone!!
Me here, as you probably noticed. I just got to Ireland and have decided the Artemis Fowl is the most evil person on this planet…besides Howie. I did that weird joke thing Sara told me about… the underwear and Fowl just looked at me with a TON of hate and said no. and then Juliet started laughing. Juliet is this really fun girl who lives here. My b-days tomorrow and I can’t wait to turn 16!
Bye!!
Whit by Whitney
I also typed emails to my parents and my friends. Then I realized it was around 9pm (it had taken 3 hours to get back from the airport) and I had decided not to have dinner. I started undressing and I was in my bra and pants and then remembered the cameras and but my shirt on and took my clothes and ran into the bathroom, hoping that this was not mentioned the next morning.
At seven I was woken up by a rough sake and I stupidly muttered thinking that it was my brother, “I see pink underwear in your ears…” and I rolled over and fell back a sleep then AGAIN I was shaken and I woke up to find Butler there smiling.
“Was that thing you said an accident?” He asked amused.
“What thing?” I crossed my fingers behind my back.
“Never mind, Artemis wants you down there ok?”
I nodded and thought that tonight I will play a prank on Artemis.
“By the way Butler, how many cameras are in this place?” I asked innocently.
“A ton. But the only thing is during the night a few cameras shut down and I can’t say anymore then that sorry.” Butler then left.
“Thank ya Butler…” I murmured and went into the bathroom to change into my clothes. And then I went down stairs after getting lost 5 times I made it down.
“Finally you’re here.” Artemis said looked as grouchy as usual.
“Well I got lost like a million times…” I started.
“You can’t get lost a million times, it’s not likely possible.” Artemis replied.
“You're ugly but you intrigue me.” I replied thanking Anthony for that one.
Juliet looked at me and replied, “I think Artemis is very lucky to finally have someone talk back.”
“I am not!” He said. “I’m as lucky as…”
“I think you 2 should stop it now…” Butler was looking at me and Artemis fight over what Juliet had just said.
Man this guy’s horrible! I thought and then did what I had to do. I kicked him in the shins. Artemis now looked mad. And he tackled me to the floor. (A/N: I know that’s a bit off character, but I’m telling you this won’t happen again…) Soon Juliet was cheering me on but Butler was trying to get Artemis off me. I think he was really mad and didn’t say anything.
Artemis had sent Butler shopping with me because Juliet had to stay with Artemis because it seemed he was plotting something. But I had no clue what.
When Butler and I got back from grocery shopping and from the mall (I forgot to pack my underwear, so I had to ask Butler not to come into the store…) Juliet was in my room waiting for me when I returned and we began to talk about all kinds of things, forgetting that there was a camera watching us.
“You know something?” I asked Juliet when we were sitting on my bed and munching on M&Ms that I had brought from the states.
“What?” She asked.
“Is Artemis always like that? I mean about tackling someone onto the floor?”
Juliet smiled widely for a second and looked like she realized something. “No…”
“What do you think about Artemis anyway?” She asked me.
“Well…” I then started saying. “He’s not even close to being normal he’s a bit…pervert.”
“Why?”
“One word, ‘camera’.”
Just then we hear foot steps coming toward us. I quickly put the M&Ms under my bed and someone knocked no the door.
“Come in,” Juliet said.
It was Butler.
“Sorry you two, but I was monitoring the cameras while Artemis was in the living room talking to his parents and I heard your conversation.” He said.
“Damn,” I replied.
“I know, so anyway I deleted that part about you saying that Artemis is…” Butler trailed off.
“Are the cameras off now?” I asked.
“Yep,” and then he walked away.
“I think I will go bother Artemis now if you don’t mind Juliet.” I smiled.
“Why of course not…just don’t get him too mad!” She smiled and continued, “I want to watch wrestling on T.V so I won’t bother you.”
“Thanks,” I walked off and then decided against bothering Artemis. Instead I went off to find where the cameras were hidden. But when I was walking down the hall way I bumped into…
~~~###~~~
TBC

artemissues @ 2003-07-23T22:04:00

2003-07-24T02:05:21Z

Bwah! As inuyashasues pointed out, FF.N is back. Aren't we all... happy?

Title: When All Else Fails <--- Christ all mighty, it's a PETER PAN CROSSOVER.
Author: The REAL Ami Potter <--- If she was imitated because of horribly misplaced hero worship, there is something very wrong with the world.

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five nuetrino shots to the head. why, god, why.

Name: Sariah Anastasia Hikari. Oh yes, Sariah sounds very Japanese, mm hmm. Just like Anastasia does. "Hikari" also means light, as just about every fangirl knows, and just about every fangirl uses it for a Mary Sue name. Ya-awn.
Species: Human. But I'm sure she has latent Elven abilities, because they always do. Sadly. I hate you, world.
Hair: "Long auburn hair, which reached to around her elbows, [and is] tied into a neat ponytail."
Eyes: "Stunning blue eyes."
Markings/Clothes: "She was clad in a formal looking outfit : A grey pleated skirt with a pair of grey shorts under it, a white blouse, a pair of solid white socks, and black mary-janes." Oh Lord, Artemis has a Catholic school girl fetish? I can see him dating Britney Spears now, and it's all this author's fault. She also has a "melodic" voice, meaning she could perhaps sing. I can really, really picture Artemis dating Britney Spears now. Oh God, please make the pain stop...

Artemis also describes her to be like "poisoned honey" (he supposed). Kill. KILL.
Does the LEP stand a chance? Of course not! Her nationality is completely different than her name. Therefore she has super secret ninja powers.

Origin: " Well. It all started when I was four, going on five. I was a very late child, and my brother was ten years older than I was. My father and brother were going out. Me and Michel were really close. There was a massicure. On my fifth birthday I had to go and help my mum sort through mangled bodies and try and figure which one was Michel's and Dad's... Ill never forget what they looked like."

She paused, feeling ready to cry, but refuseing ; willing herself not to. Artemis looked on with pity. But why didnt she stay with her mother? Then his questioned was answered.

"Two years after that, when I was seven, our house caught on fire. My mother couldent get out. She died. I ran away because I didnt have any relatives or any family friends to take care of me, and I refused to stay with a foster family. So, ive been on my own since I was seven. "

Oh wah. Boo hoo. I weep crocodile tears for the angsty Mary Sue. Really, I do. :~( <--- my nose even runs in ~~agony~~sympathy.
Connections To Canon: None. Completely "OC."
Special Abilities: She can make Angeline Fowl think that Artemis actually has an interest in women. The poor misguided dear. She's also Artemis's "peer," meaning that she is every bit as cunning and brilliant as he is.

Pff. I snort at this. When will the authors learn?

Sariah is also good at karate. She "[counts] her blessings she had taken karate when she was little." Wait, when did she do that? Before she was seven? d00d, that means she would be teh SUCK at it. I know that people that begin from an early age are good at karate, but that's because they're constantly doing it. It's not like "Oh, I learned it when I was in the womb, therefore I am GOD at it." Stupid poowizards.

Finally, Sariah can make Artemis stare dreamily at her and stupidly steal items that could never be sold on the black market because of their high profile. As mentioned below, there supposedly is no snag in their "plan," but mm. I think this is a pretty big one. People don't just go and wear the crown jewels everyday, you know.
Traits: Often seen alone, pale and bitter looking, while angsting in the corner. Her life is just so tough. Being a seven year-old druglord wannabe will do that to you.

Final Thoughts: I liked how Sariah's plan "could really work... it was fool-proof. This couldent fail..." But then the author doesn't even describe how it's exactly "fool-proof." What? Shall we fill in the blanks? "Then Sariah and Artemis stole the crown jewels. Hip hip hooray! Hoor-AY!"

But oh, there is one snag. Sariah doesn't have lodgings! Oh noes! Whatever shall they do?

Why, have her stay at Artemis's, of course! Wee, another forced shallow relationship plot point that was only brought into existence in order to serve the author's wish fulfilling needs! I feel so happy now. I think I'll go have a cry (of joy!).

Sample:

Disclaimer: You know the drill..... dont own Artemis Fowl... yaddayadda |

| Reveiw Responces: Shadowweaver: Thank you very much and you werent annoying ^.~. Katie the Chao: Thanks alot and I will!! Aerin : Well ACTUALLY... Art-- ooohhh youll just have to see but it'll be pretty obvious. Now for the sequel Im thinking about stuff could change a bit -smirks- EVERYONE ELSE READING: Pleeeaseeeeeeeeee R&R!!! I love reveiws ^.~... this chappy is pretty short.. but the plot really thickens....|

By the end of the day, the two had become quite good friends. Possibly it was the reason that they were the only people the other knew who could match their intellect. Maybe it was their same love of computers and technology. Or maybe it was just that they were both diabolical, evil little teenagers bent on making their own empires in their own unique fashions. Well, none the less they were friends by this point, and were spending the vast majority of their time with one another. Sara had also taken to Juliet, and despite their age difference, they too had become friends. For the very first time in her young life since her family had died, Sara felt as though she belonged somewhere. That night, again they stayed up till around twelve, until Mrs. Fowl again insisted they go to bed. Sara bid Artemis a polite good-night, as did he, and the two went to bed, each falling asleep quickly that night. For Artemis and Sara, this was most likely due to the reason they now trusted each other and werent afraid the other was going to come into their room in the middle of the night to murder them. It was somewhere near three when Sara awoke to a noise. She blearily opened her eyes, yawning and rubbing the sleep from them There was an odd noise just outside her large window. She squinted into the darkness and saw the vague outline of... a SHIP?! She blinked and pinched herself to make sure she wasnt dreaming and turned on her light. No doubt there was a giant, flying ship just outside her window. The girl gaped, wondering if she'd lost her mind. With a crash, several PIRATES came in. Sara was now beginning to thing her previous thought of loosing her mind was entirly possible. One gave her a rotted toothy grin.

" 'cmon lass... the captain wants you."

Sara just shook her head, wide eyed as four more toppled through her window. She backed up, bewildered and not sure what to do. She hit her door, grasped the handle and threw it open, running out and slamming it behind her. She ran swiftly down the hall and burst into Artemis' room, slamming his door behind her and locking it.

" Artemis wake up!! People are trying to kidnap me!! Pirates!...... Wake. UP!"

She snapped, leaping onto his bed and giving him a firm whack upside the head. Artemis blinked several times before he could get things into focus and the words sunk in. He just stared at her.

"Ouch! Are you sure you weren--"

He was cut off by a loud banging on his door and commands that Sara come out. He went wide eyed too, frozen. Sara looked at him, eyes flaming.

" Artemis! This is no time to go all deer-in-headlights on me!! Get Butler you idiot!"

She barked. Artemis gave a silent nod and started to run his hands over the wall. But before he could get a hold of the intercom, the door came flying off its hinges. Sara stared at them, hatrid in her eyes. No one was going to kidnap her. Ohhhhh no. She jumped off the bed and got into a fighting stance, silently counting her blessings she had taken karate when she was little. One came at her but she kicked him away. Artemis just stood there a moment, found the intercom and commanded Butler to get there. Now. But as he finished, Sara had been out-numbered and they were smashing Artemis' window. Sara turned around twice and gave up. Unarmed. Outnumbered. No use in fighting. She silently went with them, but as the ship set sail into the night and Butler came bashing into the room, Artemis couldve sworn her heard her calling his name out, pleaing for help. He watched the ship sail off into the distance, turned to Butler and simply said,

" I think its time we had a visit with Captain Short..."

Holly: *runs screaming into the night* You'll never take me alive!

artemissues @ 2003-07-23T17:22:00

2003-07-23T21:22:17Z

The Pit of Voles is down, so no Sue today. --;

My apologies. I should have done it last night, but the Fab 5 was on. And one must never miss the Fab 5.

To make up for it, I'll do two Sues tomorrow. Twice the pleasure!*

*head cracking pain.

artemissues @ 2003-07-22T19:08:00

2003-07-22T23:09:35Z

The author admits that this is a self-insertion, but not a Mary Sue. "Yes, it's self-insertion. But my character isn't perfect; far from it!" Do you want to be the one that tells her it's still pathetic wish fufillment, or shall I?

Title: And then Artemis said, 'Bring It On' <--- do you smeeeell what the Fowl is cooking?
Author: The Penmaster. But her name is Jo, which means ominous and horrible things.

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

three neutrino shots to the head. she made me laugh. once.
The author has also told off someone who wrote pure shite. She is now redeemed in my eyes.

Name: Jo. "She's me."
Species: Evil, self-inserting fangirl.
Hair: Not mentioned.
Eyes: Not mentioned.
Markings, clothes, etc. : A necklace, "dangerously low tight hip-huggers and a tiny crop top," and then later pulls on a sweater. Aw, modesty.
Does the LEP stand a chance? Yes. Jo screams "I am useless! Please save me!" I think the only weapon she has is the power to make people dance. She can also scream "LLAMAS!" loudly.

Origin: A bedroom with peach walls and digital clock. Excitement.
Connections To Canon: ... she's read the first two books?
Special Abilities: Making Artemis Fowl, poster boy for the thin and pale, question the bigness of his ass. Making Juliet dance to Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty." MAKING ARTEMIS FOWL GO CLUBBING IN A TANKTOP. ~~Sadly, the idea intrigues me. I'm a huge supporter of making Artemis Fowl go boi.~~ He also breakdances. What the fuck? She'll also make Holly and Artemis see that they're each other's WUN TWU WUV.
Traits: She's a big eater, does not seem at all intimidated by Butler's very big gun, and likes dancing. A lot. In her cute little hiphugger jeans. Mother of Christ, what is wrong with you?

Final Thoughts: Artemis Fowl dancing to Eminem. Riiiight.

"The Penmaster" seems delirious. This is practically admitted wish fufilment on her part. A Mary Sue is someone who, 99% of the time, can make/force characters to do outrageously OOC things. Artemis Fowl breakdancing - BREAKDANCING - is OOC, obviously, so this Jo person is a Mary Sue, plain and simple. I don't know how the author cannot see that. Apparently she believes she is exempt from Mary Sue-ism, as she is a "flawed" "character." Excuse me, but anyone who wears hiphugger jeans in a fanfic is not going to be seen as "flawed," they are going to be seen as a person who deems themselves worthy of being stunningly attractive in written literature when they are obviously not worthy of being so. Mary Sues deserve nothing, zilch, nada, and zip. Absolute zero.

*breaths deeply* Right then. Please hit yourself with a frying pan.

Jo also manages to snag a bedroom attached to Artemis's. Well, isn't that just hunky-dory. That doesn't seem like a forced relationship at all. After all, after I go clubbing with all my fictional male friends, we always shack up! It's the fashion today, mien Sues! Quick, let me rape Harry Potter!

Artemis also has an old t-shirt of Juliet's from when she was fifteen. No reason is given as to why he has it. I could say something about unhealthy obsessions here, but I think Jo already knows that.

Sample:

Jo could not sleep.

She never could sleep without her nightly reading. Be it trashy magazines, Lord of the Rings (she was particularly addicted to Lord of the Rings -- and Legolas was sooooo hot! Erm... back to the story...), Artemis Fowl, Tamora Pierce, Harry Potter, more trashy magazines... She loved reading. She needed to read before going to bed. It really, really helped her go to sleep. Really. However, she didn't get to read... at all.

As a result, she was up in bed screaming, "LLAMA, LLAMA, LLAMA!" for a half- an-hour before Artemis decided to fling open the damn door and choke her to death. It was that or force-feed her a bottle of Ritalin pills. Artemis was not usually very inclined to such violent reactions, but this was a special case. And there was a first time for everything.

"Shut. The. Hell. Up!" Artemis lunged for poor, unsuspecting Jo's neck, scrambling over the edge of the mattress in his deperate attempt to wrap his slender, elegant fingers around her throat. "Aaah!" Jo screamed, cowering underneath her satin covers. "I know you want my *sex-ay* body, but this is ridiculous! I mean, waking up in the middle of the night just for... meeeeeeee -- GAH!" Distinct choking sounds were heard.

"Not. Another. Word. About. Those. Damn. LLAMAS! OR I KILL YOU!" Artemis really looked crazed. "You know," Jo said tentatively, "there are many brands of decaf coffee that are just as good as the real thing... Shuttingup," she added as a murderous glare was directed her way. Sparks jumped from that blue glare. "Furthermore," Artemis ground out, "I do *not*, I repeat, do *not* want *your* body. I barely even *know* you. And I don't like you," he added as an afterthought.

He ducked reflexively. It was just in time to avoid a flying statuette. The statuette landed with a thunk on the floor. Jo made an exhasperated noise and pulled the covers over her head. Artemis made a noise, and walked toward the door. "No more llamas," he hissed threateningly, and slammed the door shut. Jo threw down the covers, stuck her tongue at the closed door, and pulled them back over her head. Maturity was certainly not her forté.

Through three walls, Jo culd hear the loud slam of Artemis's door.

Smiling, she whispered, "I won't get mad. I'll get even."

In her hand was a card -- not just any card. It was a very, very important card. To Artemis anyway. Jo's grin went from wolfish to manic. And she cackled.

Lying in her palm was the credit card she'd filched from his wallet earlier that evening.

~*~*~*~*~

Artemis padded softly from his room to the bathroom. He'd just realized, he'd forgotten to take his soak of evil in his Olympic-sized bathrub of evil. Removing all his clothes of evil, he slipped into the warm water of evil. Heaving a sigh of evil, he let the steam of evil rise into his face of evil. He twiddled the tap of evil, and bubbles of evil poured out.

He swam a lap of evil around the bathrub of evil, and wet his hair of evil. Reaching for the soap of evil, he lathered it up to evil bubblefoamy goodness. Then he washed off the lather of evil and climbed into the jacuzzi of evil for a good, five-hour-soak of evil. Maybe he would even fall into an evil sleep. And he proceeded to do just that.

~*~*~*~*~

Meanwhile, belowground Holly was getting ready to investigate what Foaly called 'a very unusual personnage suddenly appearing in Fowl Manor for no apparent reason'. When he was asked how he'd found this out, since all the cameras had been removed, his tail gave a guilty little swish and he replied, "Well, you know, maybe just one or two or fifty-two button cameras I forgot to remove. No big deal, right?"

This creature/person/thing didn't really appear that dangerous, so it was decided that Holly would not need an iris-cam or any other techie junk, except a good old gun and maybe a mic. Holly just needed to make sure that Artemis wasn't getting her to do his dirty work. The habits of a few years would not be so easily rid of, and Artemis could have very easily (and plausibly) lasped back into crime. Only this time being more cautious. It was very plausible. Very possible.

And then again, Holly *did* want to see how Artemi -- er, Fowl was doing. If he still looked good as always. Damn. She had not just thought that. Yes, she had. Someone, shoot her, please! Holly looked around. No mind- probing waves. She heaved a sigh of relief. Maybe she was just being paranoid, but you never know. Someone might just be reading her mind.

If Foaly could've heard her thoughts, he would have snorted and said, "You're even more paranoid than I am." If such a thing was possible. At least Holly didn't wear a bloody tinfoil hat. Although she was sure LEP helmets worked just as well for reflecting any mind-reading.

Holly grinned. This was completely unlike her, so ridiculously unlike her that it was funny. But of course, nothing wrong was happening to her. She was going through a 'phase'. Mud Men would call it 'puberty', except for the fact that in fairy reality, Holly was over eighty (although by calculations, she would just be about... fourteen-ish? I'm wrong? Well bite my ass!)... Holly Short hadn't changed since Artemis last saw her.

Except for the fact that she was over six feet now.

Holly Short loved Foaly technology, she really did. Thanks to a potion he made, all the elves in Haven were over six feet tall. This was an advantage to them... they could blend in anywhere now. Maybe even start reclaiming some of their earth. Maybe. They would have to plan it out carefully, not like fanfiction authors who have only an initial idea and no good plot.

The flygirl strapped her gun onto her hip and grinned wickedly. Time to crash Artemis's party. Or something like that.

~*~*~*~*~

Holly slipped her slim fingers beneath a crack underneath a carelessly closed window. Humans, she sighed, pathetic, every one of them. Except maybe... No. Nonononono. No. NOOOOOO! No, damnit, no! He was a human. Just a human. Not worthy of her. Trouble Kelp -- now *there* was the hotness. Sure, he didn't have stunningly gorgeous blue eyes or fair skin and cheekbones cut with paper-edged precision... DAMNIT!

Fuming, Holly slid the window up. She glanced at the sleeping girl, unstrapping her gun and pointing it at her head. She could wait until the girl woke up, which she guarateed wouldn't be long...

The girl sat up in bed screaming, "LLAMAAAAA!" and glanced at the gun. She gave a high pitched squeak-gasp-nee-snerk and screamed.

Holly grinned. Touching the tip of her ear where the mic was precariously balanced, her grin grew maniacally wider.

"One Mud Girl, check."

That smile was evil, pure evil.

"One big gun, check."

Evil, evil, evil. Jo would smack her if she wasn't so damn terrified of the bloody big gun.

"Holly Short is in the building."

The smile grew ever wider, curling acorss those generous lips. Sharp, gleaming white teeth were revealed in the darkness as Holly threw her head back and laughed. Oh, but this was so fun! That look on the girl's face was too much. Of course Holly would not actually hurt her, but... This was so funny!

"Let's rock!"

And that's when Artemis flung open the door, blue eyes ablaze, wearing nothing.

...

...

...

... nothing but a towel that is!

For those of you who skipped the LJ cut, thus preserving your sanity, Holly was made to be six feet tall in order to be Arty's WUN TRU WUV.

*puke*

artemissues @ 2003-07-21T16:33:00

2003-07-21T20:36:00Z

fede helped me find over forty Mary Sues last night. I don't know how she does it. <3

Title: Artemis has a new partnermaybe a new love yes <--- did that make any sense? Any? Any at all?
Author: hakkou-rain

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head. ouch.

Name: "My name is Lo. ((pronounced: LOW)) which is short for Lolie ((also pronounced LOW-LEE))." Thanks, I needed that. As you can tell, I am a stupid idiot who could never figure out how vowels and consonants work.
Species: Presumably human, but you never know with those pesky hidden genes. Damn you, DNA.
Hair: "With chocolate hair with a bit of a wave." Hair cannot be described as a flavor. It's like saying "fun-sized" is a unit of measurement.
Eyes: "Big, dreamy brown eyes." Dreamy? Does that mean her eyes are in a constant twitching state of REM? Charming.
Markings: "A pretty thing, she was... [with] a perfect figure." She's simply gorg-e-ous.
Does the LEP stand a chance? Against a beautiful, young, and "impressive" pickpocket/hacker? Nevar!

Origin: Her parents died, so she was dropped off at an orphanage. And then she was magically able to hack into the computer files there, and "the rest is history."
Connections To Canon: "Well, I've known Captain Holly Short for quite some time now, even though humans aren't supposed to know about LEPrecaun. But She and I have a long history. We got into an argument, and As payback, I want to steal some of LEP's account gold. Both you and I have that in common, Artemis. We both like gold. I, being a hacker can unlock the Code. But a little bird told me you could help locating it. Face it Fowl, without me, you've got scrap. Without you, I can't get my revenge."

Puh-lease. If Artemis teamed up with every girl who came his way, they'd start fighting each other to the death over him. Mary Sue cage matches do not please the boy genius, people.
Special Abilities: She can make Artemis completely forget that hundreds of people want to kill him and immediately let her in. From a window. Many stories up. Either she can fly or she has one helluva big ladder in her pocket, I don't know. She can also hug Artemis without him killing her, but it makes other fans want to poke her eyes out with a fork.
Traits: Snappy attitude, one that would probably annoy the hell out of Artemis if she wasn't so gosh darn purty. She also needs a stuffed animal to go sleep with, or else she'll have nightmares. The Angsty!Sue needs a teddy bear to sleep with? The hell? And Artemis just happened to have one. Luuu-cky day!

She's also stupid. Really, really stupid. It makes my head hurt. How anyone could be this stupid shocks and amazes me, and it's only up to chapter two. She practically calls Artemis stupid while she herself wins the award of "Amazing Dumbass Of the Century." He lectures her about health and being "anarexic ((sorry, I dun know how to spell it!))" and she asks if he watches "Springer or something." ... wow. Either this is the author's feeble attempt at making her "flawed" or she thinks it's a really cool "attitude."

Final Thoughts: Artemis asks her to spend the night in his room at the end of the first chapter. Apparently Fowl manor doesn't have any guest bedrooms, or none that are good enough for the Sue's tastes. This sort of glaring oversight happens frequently throughout the story, disregarding cannon, common sense/intelligence, and just plain impossibility in order to force a shallow and stupid connection between Lo ((PRONOUNCED LOW)) and Artemis. And when Butler - it's always Butler. Leave Domovoi the hell alone, bitches - walks on to the scene, he makes the ~~fuckered up~~ brilliant and witty comment of "Artemis, why, I never knew you were smuggling girls into Fowl mannor." I do not understand what it is with butchering Butler so horribly beyond recognition. Do Mary Sues have secret bodyguard destroying powers or something?

Note: This fic is the "remastered, and redone, with a new plot" version of a previous fic, and is "much better than before." These simple, innocent words scare the crap out of me.

Sample:

Ok, this is chapter 2, enjoy, and dun ferget to R&R! thanx ^_^

Artemis woke up at seven a.m. For some strange reason, he always woke up at the same hour each morning, therefor not needing an "Alarm Clock." Suddenly, Artemis got a certain feeling. ((You know, the kind when someone is starring at you when your asleep?)) He rolled over, and in the corner of his room, there sat Lo, cross-legged, hugging the stuffed dog, and smiling at him. "What are you doing?" he asked unpleasantly. Lo took a deep breath. "I'm doing my morning yoga. Aren't you s'posed to be a genius?" She said. Artemis gave her a weird look. "I don't think that's how yoga is done, Lo." Artemis answered. Lo sighed. "I know that. I'm not flexible. It's not one of my strongest points. I have a tough time doing that yoga-cross-legged-thingy. No ones perfect, ya know." She said. Artemis rolled his eyes. He got up, and went to the computer, truned it on, and started typing faster than a bullet could slice through air. "You're gonna get brain cancer if you keep going on the computer." Lo snorted with laughter, finding her own joke funny. "Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate." Artemis mumbled. "Jeese, you sure are cranky. I'm hungry. Do you have food, or do you just not eat?" she asked. Artemis let out a big, annoyed sigh. "Will you stop your chattering! And, there's a mini fridge over there." He pointed. "Now, leave me alone. This is important." Lo got up, and went to the fridge, opened it, and looked inside. Her heart sank. "Awwww. There's only fruit and veges. I just got off my diet yesterday!" she slumped to the ground. Artemis, fed up, turned around. He stopped. "Your not fat." He said. " I know. I'm big boned." ((ha, ha, ha, get it? It's from South Park!)) "I'm serious. If you're anarexic ((sorry, I dun know how to spell it!)) then, you could die. A girl your age shouldn't be dieting." " Oh, be quiet, Fowl! Do you watch Springer, or something? Anyway, what do you know about teenagers? No, don't answer that. I dun even wanna know." She answered.\, while knawing on a carrot. ((Oh, by the way, I do not own any of the characters of Artemis Fowl. Except my own character, Lo ^_^ srry for the interuption!)) Artemis made one final tap on the keyboard. "Done!" he cried. "Lets go." "Go? Go where?" Lo said. "Where going down to LEP **************************************************That was chapter two! ^_^ Waaaa! Thought it was good? R&R, please, thanks!

Say it with me now: P-A-R-A-G-R-A-P-H-S.

Blue Yeti also left a kind review. Bless her, it's better than what I'd have done.

artemissues @ 2003-07-20T17:45:00

2003-07-20T21:48:25Z

Edit: Well, fudge. I am an idiot. This wasn't a Sherlock Holmes crossover, I was dealing with all new canon. But, she is still wish fufillment, she still brought Holmes back from the dead, and she is still human/elf. Short and short of it is that she is still very much a Mary Sue.

But fuck, now I feel stupid.

w00t w00t. My first Sue post. Feast your eyes on this little crossover.

Title: Sister. And it's a fucking Sherlock Holmes crossover.
Author: Angel (aisumitsukai at home.com) <--- oh, Lord.

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

two neutrino shots to the head

Name: Elizabeth "Beth" Lestrade.
Species: Human/Elf, which is just mind boggling.
Hair: Not described. Presumably like Holly's.
Eyes: See above.
Markings: None described.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No! She's a super fairy, hyuck!

Origin: As told by Holly to Artemis: 'I'm not an only child. My mother gave birth to another daughter three minutes after me. She was also half human/half fairy. Her name was Elizabeth, we called her Beth. Unfortunately, she took after my father. She was much too tall, with white skin. If anyone found out about this, my mother would be in serious trouble. She froze Beth in a chemical designed by Foaly. It kept Beth alive but unconcious. Mother and Foaly stole her away to New London, where they left her in the Underground. They couldn't really leave a hunk of ice with a two-year-old girl in it on someone's doorstep. Mother died three months later. This all happend the same year my father died. Beth inherited those 'perfect human' genes as well. If we could find her....

Oh, Lordy.
Connections To Canon: She's Holly's half-sister. Sue Alert! Sue Alert!
Special Abilities: She got into Scotland Yard at the age of 19, "'She made Inspector very young.'" Like her half-sister, AU!Holly, she's half human so she's "very powerful." The hell? I was under the impression that humans were completely magicless, shame on me. She also - and I'll say this slowly, so you can get the full impact - brought Sherlock Holmes back to life. Sherlock Holmes back to fucking LIFE.
Traits: Ms. Lestrade seems to lack the ability to swear. Instead, she says "zedding." "Oh ZED! Why did I zedding leave my zedding cruiser at Holmes' zedding house?! Aaaaaaaarrrgh!!!!" I fail to see the charm of the word. She also has the standard "Holly's fiery temper" and the ~~author's~~ love of undoubtedly "kawaii" Ace of Base songs:

*
Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
You've got the moves to rule the world
That cute inscru-tability
Tokyo girl, you're a mystery
*

Holmes wins my respect in this story by shutting the song off as "he [doesn't] like that song." Of course, he's already badly characterized, but who could have seen that one coming? (Insert your favorite "no shit, Sherlock" comment here.)

Notes: I thought that all of my disbelief had already been thrown out the window upon seeing that Holly had a half-human half-sister and that Artemis was over a hundred years old, that Artemis could not crack a database made by Elizabeth Lestrade despite being able to crack Foaly's own in no time flat, and that the author had killed off Butler - BUTLER - but I was sadly proven wrong. When I read the line "She'd brought Sherlock Holmes back to life six months ago" my disbelief ran away to Broadway, stood naked on a stage, and started doing a fanciful jig. I ask you, is there a God?

Final Thoughts: The concept is interesting, but the execution of it lacks coherent thought. The characters are badly OOC: Watson and Foaly make me want to shoot things, Holmes is missing his special brand of snarkiness, and Artemis is... well, not Artemis. There also isn't a single legitimate reason as to why Ms. Lestrade found it perfectly acceptable to bring a fictional character back from the dead, or even how she did it, and she's such a blinding Mary Sue that it makes my retinas burn. Writing skill, spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. is acceptable. If you ignore the unforgivable utterance of "musta" by Holly and the questionable use of the word "zedding," things aren't that bad ("fucking" is by far a much better substitute). The short and short of it is that if there hadn't been a Mary Sue, I could have enjoyed reading, maybe.

Maybe.

Able to ruin not-too-sucky-fics in a single bound: it's Mary Sue!

Sample:
Artemis's eyes flitted around her office, searching quickly and almost unnoticeably. "Don't worry Fowl, I took out all the security cameras a loooong time ago." Lestrade snapped the lock into place, and motioned for them to sit.

They did so. Holly shuffled uncomfortably, but Artemis looked like he owned the place. Lestrade was severely reminded of Holmes. "Well?"

Holly swallowed and composed herself before answering. "What we...I have to say, might come as a bit of a shock to you, Beth, but please, everything is absolutely true."
Lestrade raised her eyebrows, this sounded like those speeches her mother used to give.

"You must promise, though, to keep all of this completely secret."

Lestrade's eyebrows started disappearing into her hair.

"All right?"

Looking down at them cautiously, Lestrade nodded silently.

"Good. I am Captain Holly Short, and I am a fairy. I belong to the fairy equivalent of New Scotland Yard crossed with the Army -- it's called LEP. I was born around three hundred years along with my twin sister Beth. We weren't full fairies, however. Our father was a mud -- um -- human. He died two hundred years ago. If anyone found out about the situation, we would be in lots of trouble; crossbreeds aren't allowed.

Everything would have been fine, however, except that Beth took after our father. Y-she was tall and pale. Mother couldn't keep her, so with the help of Foaly, a family friend, she froze Beth in a special chemical that would keep her alive but unconcious, and took her to the New London Underground and left her there.

"Mother died soon after because of a certain gene she'd inherited from our great-great-- et cetera --grandmother. This gene had been made by an ancient scientist who had wanted to create superhumans to defeat the Egyptians in some war. He found our great-grandmother and injected her with his formula, not knowing what she was. She escaped from him and returned to the fairy world. Since then, this power has been passed from generation to generation, making us just a little bit faster and stronger, but, also making us die sooner. Eventually, though, we've evolved and I will probably live the normal life-span.

"Going back to my sister, Foaly had been keeping tabs on her ever since she was left in the Underground, making sure nothing happened. One day, twenty-four years ago, his computer system crashed and he was unable to watch Beth for a week. In accordance with Murphy's Law, in this week Beth was unfrozen and revived. By the time Foaly found her again, eight years had gone by. Not very long for us fairies, but quite long for Beth. She had grown at a human-like pace, obviously inheriting more of our father than we had thought. She was now living with the Lestrades, who had adopted her, giving her their last name, but also unknowingly naming her Beth. She lived wth them for six years, until she ran away back to the Underground. She stayed there for five years and then made her way to Scotland Yard, becoming an Inspector at the age of twenty-one. A year or so ago, we were forced to stop watching her due to a goblin invasion. This goblin invasion is what we need Beth's help in.

"Goblins are bigger and more powerful than fairies and we desperately need allies. We were not at all prepared for this eventuality and our armies have become weak and scattered. The goblins have moved aboveground; fairies have lived underground for the past millennium and soon the rest of the human race will find out about them and us. The result would most likely be a three way cross-species war! We need help. Humans are also bigger and stronger than fairies. To make a long story short, we need Beth."

"I think by now you know who 'Beth' is. So please, please, PLEASE! We need your help." Holly did not seem like the type to beg, but Lestrade could see desperation written all over her face. So she acted accordingly.

"Right, well, if you two'll just sit there for a moment, I'll call the insane asylum and have someone here too pick you up in a few minutes."

Simultaneously, the two visitors gave an exasperated sigh. Artemis stood and faced the disbelieving Inspector (he was taller than her, drat!). Then very evenly, reminding Lestrade of Holmes when he was angry, he said, "Inspector Lestrade, do you not think that it is more than coincidence that the events of 'Beth's' life exactly match those of yours? And was it not that Mr. Holmes who you have revitalized, who always said there was no such thing as coincidence?"

Rubbing her temples, Lestrade replied, "No, I don't think it's a coincidence at all. 'Beth' dosn't exist. You two are both crazy and belong in a mental institute. Fairies are fictional beings who were made up for kids' stories. Now if you don't want me to report you, I suggest you leave, seeing as I have actual work to do." She turned to open the door, but spun around on her heel upon hearing the 'fairy' shout.
"WHAT?!" Lestrade countered.

She barely came up to Lestrade's shoulder, but Holly managed to portray a great sense of anger. "Won't you even give us a chance? We came all this way to find you and you won't even listen?"

"Why should I? Besides, even if we ARE sisters or something, what makes you think I'm gonna help? After all, the only reason you came to find me was because YOU needed something. If all that was true, you just went and dumped me in some godforsaken place because you wanted to save your own hide. Then, once a week, you turned on the computer to see whether or not I was still sitting there! It doesn't seem to me that you cared at all. Oh! But now you do! Now that you need something you care a great deal! Well, excuse me, but I already have enough of those kind of people in my life and I certainly don't need more!"

Holly was dumbfounded. She'd never thought of it that way. She'd always loved her sister very much, even though she'd never met her. Coming down at all hours of the night, every night, to see whether or not she was okay, sending her presents on her birthday, under the name of 'Aunt Marge' -- she'd always hopedthat she'd meet her one day. This had given her the excuse, and it had never entered her mind that Beth wouldn't welcome her with anything but joy. "Beth..." She could feel tears forcing their way into her eyes.

Lestrade was thoroughly confused. Hatred, spite and disorientation mixed together and made her hopeless. "Don't call me that! Go away! Leave me alone! I HATE you! Don't you dare come near me again!" Angrily, Lestrade jerked open the door (sending it crashing into the opposite wall) and flew away down the hall.

The writing is fine, but Christ. The Sue. THE SUE. And the LEP is having trouble with goblins, the established dumbasses of the fairy world. This story is blindingly AU and should be labeled as such.

My eyes hurt.

artemissues @ 2003-07-20T16:07:00

2003-07-20T20:03:44Z

Testing, testing, one two three. Butler is a highly underappreciated character, how are you this fine evening?